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It's Boyz Night Out the Show! From the dirty boys who brought you Boyz Night Out, we now hit the stage in this naughty production! Follow as the boyz from Boyz Night Out go from zeroes to heroes as they hit town and have a thrill ride of a lifetime!
Special thanks: Will Greasescarlett for the inspiration, and Jolly Roger, for being the best Looter.
Also pulled inspiration from Andrew Mallace's Summer Writing Contest story.
Act I[]
Scene I[]
Pearson stood there in his grimy suit, and with his hands drenched in blood, attempted to flee the scene.
Pearson: I will, get away. We need, all of the, cannons, to cover our escape.
Delta Republic Soldier: Yes sir. Bring in all the cannons, boys!
Just then, the Delta Republic Soldier falls dead, with a bullet hole in the side of his head. On a ledge above the beach they are standing, Andrew Mallace blows the smoke from his musket barrell.
Mallace: Not so fast, Pearson. You won't get away this time.
Pearson: (laughing) You think, you can stop me? I, have more men on my side, than you will ever imagine, and I, am going to destroy, Britain, and then I will rule the, Caribbean.
Just then, Pearson has a stroke and dies. All of his other soldiers quickly get in their little row boats and head back to Spanish land. Mallace is now alone on the beach. Sad music begins to play as Mallace stares into the sunset.
Mallace: (sigh)... Things aren't what they used to be. Nowadays it's all about the technology.
A single tear rolls down Mallace's cheek, as he carefully sets his musket down, and sits down on the beach.
Scene II[]
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Emperor Davy Hookwrecker of China is valiantly leading a crew of Asians aboard his ship through a dangerous storm.
Chinese Soldier: Emperor! We are nearing the Americas, but more than harf the men are dead!!
Davy: Okay please calm down.
Chinese Soldier: Sir!!!! The ship is on the verge of sinking!!
Davy: Guys, please.
Chinese Soldier: (attempting to grab a safety rope) I can't get a hord on it, it's too srippery!
Davy: Davythought >:D!
Just then, the entire Chinese boat sinks into the ocean. Everybody on board dies. EXCEPT. Davy. He is seen clinging to a wooden statue, bobing through the water.
Scene III[]
Meanwhile, in England, the King sits in his desk, talking to Eric the Flammable.
Eric: King John please, why won't you let me?!
John: (with his patience lost) Because England doesn't need your bloody shrimp!
Eric: Please King John please it's good shrimp. I didn't lick any of them.
John: - sigh - No Eric. That's final. Goodnight.
Eric begins to cry.
John: Oh dear God... Pervant! Take care of this loner.
Suddenly, Johnny Shark Turner bursts into the room and forcefully drags Eric out. He returns moments later.
Johnny Shark: My King, that man was carrying this.
Johnny throws a scrap of paper to John, who unfolds it and begins to read it aloud.
John: 'Dear valued customer: Thank you for your purchase! Because of your contributions to our local chain, and your undying patronage, we are proud to offer you a free, four night stay in some hotel in the Caribbean. The ride to and back is free, plus you even get a complimentary pouch to carry things if you want. Thanks'.
John and Johnny Shark stare at each other wide-eyed for a minute, before they both explode with gay happiness.
John: Pervant, pack my things and ready the slab, we're going to the Caribbean!
Johnny Shark: AW HELL YEAH. I'LL GET THE LOTIONS.
Scene IV[]
Mallace is walking along a lonely beach. His shirt is gone and his pants are dirty and sandy. Suddenly he sees something on the beach up ahead. It's a man! Crap!
Mallace: Hello. Are you okay?
Davy: Yeah sort of. My boat sank. But this little wooden statue saved my life!
Mallace looks at the statue and notices the face resembles the face of a wise, old, possum.
Mallace: Cool statue. Want to come home with me?
Davy: Okay :o
Davy and Mallace, with one arm around each other's shoulders, walk happily back to Mallace's cottage.
Scene V[]
Jeremiah Garland stands with a shopping cart by his side. He is busy examining a shelf of popcorn bread in his local grocery store.
Jeremiah: (to himself) Hmm... Do I want Mexican-flavoured or Hawaiian suicide...
Mysterious female voice: I'd go with the Hawaiian suicide, much more vigorous.
Jeremiah turns around to see a girl talking to him. He begans to get nervous.
Jeremiah: CRAP. Who are you.
Female voice: My name is Liz. I work here.
Jeremiah: Okay.
Liz the grocery store employee looks at the blue feather in Jeremiah's hat.
Liz: I really like your feather.
There is a long silence as the two look deep into each other's eyes.
Jeremiah: You can't have it, sorry.
Jeremiah, with the popcorn bread in his hand, quickly abandons his shopping cart (filled with his other food) and runs out of the store before Liz says more words.
Scene VI[]
Jeremiah: Mallace! I'm home! I got this sweet popcorn bread. I almost bought this fruit from a guy on the freeway. WHOA who's that?
Jeremiah walks into the cottage to see Mallace and Davy sitting on a couch in the foyer, staring at nothing.
Mallace: Oh hey Jeremiah. This is... Well I don't know his name. But I found him on the beach and he's pretty epic.
Jeremiah approaches Davy and holds out his hand in front of Davy's face. Davy begins to sniff it.
Jeremiah: Aw he's pretty nice.
Mallace: Yeah I was really hoping we could go to that new Uzbek BBQ place for dinner.
Jeremiah: The one down by Olive Garden?
Mallace: Yeah.
Just then, at that exact moment, three Spanish soldiers crashed through the cottage's windows, and two more barged through various doors in the cottage. They were all wielding muskets or swords, and began to charge at Mallace, Jeremiah, and Davy. Mallace ran over to a nearby box and pulled out two bamboo poles. He handed one to Garland and held on to the other one. Davy remained sitting on the couch, undisturbed, staring at nothing in front of him. Jeremiah and Mallace sprang into action. Two soldiers simultaneously charged Mallace. Mallace deflected the bayonet of the first one with his bamboo pole, whacked the other soldier with the opposite end of the pole, and lunged onto the first soldier. Jeremiah was in a one-on-one duel with a Spaniard with a sabre. The Spanish soldier went in for an undercut blow to Garland, by Jeremiah parried it, opening up the soldier's defenses, and whacked him with his pole in the neck. He fell dead. Meanwhile, Mallace was busy fighting off his two. He had deflected a bayonet stab from the first soldier, and brought his pole down hard on his right shoulder, causing the soldier to yell out in pain. During the interval, Mallace leaped onto the injured soldier, and brought him down hard on the wood floor, killing him. He then got up to face the other soldier. Meanwhile, the fourth soldier, armed with a bayonet, charged at Garland. Jeremiah stood motionless, and when the soldier was about ten feet away, Jeremiah threw his bamboo pole at the soldier. The end of the pole hit the soldier square in the nose, breaking it. The soldier began to cry and ran out of the house. Mallace was still dueling the other soldier, and his bamboo had been broken in half. Mallace used this to his advantage, and used one half of the bamboo stick to parry the soldier's sword, and the other half to whack him hard on the side of the head. The soldier cried out in pain, and Mallace, kicked the soldier square in the chest, knocking him out of the window he had entered. Everything seemed calm, but suddenly! There was the last soldier! Mallace and Jeremiah were standing next to each other now, and the last Spanish soldier was aiming a flintlock at them. Mallace and Jeremiah began to cry, and the soldier chuckled, but just then, the soldier fell over. Puzzled, Jeremiah and Mallace looked to see Davy, standing in the soldier's spot with a baseball bat in his hand. Davy then picked up the unconscious soldier with one hand and tossed him out the window. They all then sat down and ate some of Jeremiah's popcorn bread.
Jeremiah: Yeah okay, we can go to the Uzbek BBQ for dinner tonight. Davy, you want to come?
Mallace and Jeremiah looked over at Davy, who shook his head yes.
Mallace: Aw man, I love Uzbek BBQ. I can just go all night!
Davy: Davythought >:D!
Jeremiah: Oh yeah, we better go soon incase the Spanish try to kill us again.
Mallace: Jeremiah, shut up.
Mysterious voice: Do not worry. It was not you they were coming for. It was me...!
Mallace: Benjamin? Is that you?
Benjamin walks out of the shadows.
Benjamin: Yes :P. I heard you guys are getting BBQ?
Jeremiah: Yes, I'll get the car ready.
Scene VII[]
John Breasly, the Pervant Johnny Shark Turner, and a couple other of their ship's noobs are on a boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean heading for the Caribbean.
John: Ahh nothing like the sweet smell of the ocean.
Johnny Shark: I FARTED.
John: (upest) Ugh, damn it pervant! Go get my lotions!
Johnny Shark: Alright.
Johnny Shark runs off to the lower decks, leaving John by himself. John begins to randomly laugh at nothing. Johnny Shark returns a few minutes later, leading a man by gun-point.
Johnny Shark: Sir? Is something funny that I missed :o ?
John: Erm... No, it was just a joke I heard the other day... Who is this?
Johnny Shark pulls forward his prisoner, showing his face to the King.
Johnny Shark: I found him in the lower decks.
John: OH GOD!!! AN INDIAN GUY! HOW THE HELL...!?
Stowaway: I'm not Indian you mammoth.
Johnny Shark: He's a stowaway. What should we do with him sir?
John: What's your name, Indian guy?
Stowaway: I'm not Ind -... (sigh), my name is Jeffrey Blasthawk. And I'm not a stowaway either! I only thought I'd hop on because I need to tell you guys something...
John: Yes??
Before Jeffrey Blasthawk can answer, a random sailor from below deck shouts.
Sailor: Why are all my pants gone?! Has anybody seen them!?
Jeffrey Blasthawk grins, chuckles, and pulls out from behind his back a dozen of the sailor's pants.
Scene VIII[]
Jeremiah, Mallace, Benjamin, and Davy are all sitting at a table at the Uzbek BBQ. Mallace and Jeremiah are digging into their food, Davy is just sitting there staring at his untouched plate, and Benjamin is flirting with an Uzbek lady.
Jeremiah: (in between bites) This is good Mallace, nice call coming here. Davy, why aren't you eating your yakhni?
Davy: It tastes like a dead owl...
Mallace: Because it is a dead owl ;)
Suddenly, an Uzbek waitress comes up to the table where the three boys are eating. She says some words, but dammit, nobody knows what she is bloody saying because of her accent.
Jeremiah: I... I don-... I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING! STOP! LIKE SERIOUSLY, PLEASE STOP.
Mallace: YOU SEE WHAT YOU DO TO US, WAITRESS? JUST LEAVE. Please. My God.
The waitress walks away, and as she does, Benjamin returns to the table with a grin upon his face.
Benjamin: GUYS! You see that lady over there? The young pretty one?
Davy, Jeremiah, and Mallace all turn their heads to where Benjamin is pointing, and look at a sea of old Uzbek women.
Benjamin: I so hooked up with her, look she gave me this :)
Benjamin holds out a slip of paper containing a drawing of what appears to be lamb. The other three glare at it.
Jeremiah: What is it...
Benjamin: I dunno, but I think she's in to me.
Mallace: BENJAMIN, DUCK!
Benjamin begins freaking out and ducks under the table. After a few seconds pass and there is no commotion, he looks up.
Benjamin: What the bloody hell was that all about?
Mallace: Nothing, you got the roasted duck pilaf, and I had to try it.
Benjamin notices that all the duck pilaf from his plate is now on Mallace's plate.
Benjamin: -_-
Davy: I wonder what the specials are...
Just then, two Spanish soldiers pop up from behind some nearby curtains, and sneak up behind Benjamin.
Mallace: Uh, Benjy... Look behind ya.
Benjamin: No way -_-... I'm not falling for that aga -
One of the Spanish soldiers shoves a cloth in Benjamin's mouth, and gets him in a headlock. Benjamin tries to resist, but the other soldier comes up, gently places two fingers on Benjamin's neck, and Benjamin falls unconscious. Mallace, Davy, and Jeremiah try to save Benjamin by attacking the soldiers, but Davy is distracted by eating the gum under the table, and Jeremiah can't stop eating his bakhsh. Mallace grabs a fork, stands up, and throws it at one of the soldiers, piercing his shoulder. The soldier simply pulls the fork out, and throws it at a waitress. The two soldiers then carry Benjamin out of the restaurant.
Mallace: Guys we should save Benjamin, maybe.
Davy: I never even heard the specials :o
Scene IX[]
Aboard the ship bound for the Caribbean, King Breasly and his pervant, Johnny, are deep in conversation in the captain's quarters.
John: Oh pervant, I cannot wait to get to the Caribbean! Did you know it's always been a dream of mine to go snorkeling??
Johnny Shark: Is that right, sir?
John: Indeed! And I cannot wait to take in that fresh Caribbean air, and see those beautiful waters!! Oh, how I cannot stop thinking of those rich, luxorious palaces of hotels I shall call home! And then there's the scampi... Yes, the scampi... I love scampi, and I simply cannot wait to indulge in such a treat!
Johnny Shark: I love scampi too, sir. It is magnificent, don't you say!
John: Yes, pervant, I just said that...
Johnny Shark: My apologies, sir... I was focusing too hard on your beautiful, lushious eyes...
John: ...Wait, what?
There is a long and awkward silence, before a sailor's voice could be heard from outside.
Sailor: Land ho!!! My King, we have reached the Caribbean!!
John and Johnny excitedly rush out of the cabin and onto the main deck. They descend a make-shift flight of stairs, and step foot on land.
John: And hello beautiful people of the Caribbean!!!
John, expecting to be greeted by hundreds of adoring beautiful people, is instead motionless upon looking upon the island he has just step foot on. The air smells of dead bugs, the water is stained with some sort of red liquid, the sand is muddy, and the only people visible are a few native Caribbean Indians standing a little further up the beach. The man, holding a spear, is waving at the arrived Brits, a woman is coughing miserbaly on the ground, and a young child is sitting in the sand, entertaining himself with a rotten coconut. An old lady walks up to the King, offering a bowl of... something brown.
Disregarding the old woman, King John turns to his ship's captain.
John: This is the Caribbean...? Pervant! Hand me that letter again!
Johnny Shark pulls out the crumpled-up paper which John had read aloud earlier, and hands it to John. John turns it over on the back, and reads aloud once more:
John: 'Win the vacation of a lifetime, for a four-night stay on the Caribbeans'...'Diarrhea Island??'
The native islander man is now standing in front of the king, smiling. He does not speak English well.
Native Islander Man: Yes! In our language... "Diarrhea", mean peace! Welcome to Peace Island!
Native Islander Old Lady: You sleep, over there.
The old lady points to a large canopy being supported by a stick in the middle of the beach. Inside it is a single cot, with a pig sitting on it.
With a horrified look on his face, John turns to Johnny.
John: Pervant...?
Johnny: Yes my liege?
John: Talk to these people for me. Ask them if there are any other nearby places to sleep...
Johnny: Why must I talk to them, sir?
John: Because I don't understand their language!
Johnny: But sir, they are speaking Eng -
John: TALK TO THEM!!
Johnny quickly turns toward the two islanders.
Johnny: Eh... Is there any other place nearby that where we could stay? Your island is very lovely, indeed, but the King wishes for some place less... hairy...
Native Islander Man: There is a town... Right across the bay. You reach there, it nice.
The native man points behind him, and on another island far off is seen the skyline of a bustling metropolis, with many colourful lights and a large sign indicating the location of a "Caesar's Palace Hotel & Casino".
Johnny: Okay, we'll try there, thank you.
John and Johnny return to the ship when suddenly, something crosses Johnny's mind.
Johnny: My liege, what do you suppose happened to that Indian stowaway we found earlier in the voyage?
They both turn around to see Jeffrey Blasthawk, on top of the highest peak on Diarrhea Island. He is standing next to a cannon. He then straps on a helmet, positions himself into the mouth of the cannon (though he does not fit in all the way), and lights the fuse.
Jeffrey: This is gonna be epic!!!
The cannon fires, sending Jeffrey flying half-way across the island. While in flight, it is seen that the entire back side of his body is engulfed in flames, and his arms flailing vigourously. He then lands one of the native islander's huts in the middle of the island, and soon, the hut goes up in flames. The fire webs out among the village, burning down each of the natives' huts. It soon reaches the forests, and they burn down as well. Soon, the entire island is covered in flames, and the old woman and man that had greeted the King stand glaring angrily at the departing boat.
Scene X[]
Mallace, Jeremiah, and Davy take to the streets in pursuit of the Spanish soldiers who had kidnapped Benjamin. Jeremiah is still eating his bakhsh as they run, and Mallace is doing something on a computer he found. As for Davy, he jumped into a nearby house window to take a nap. Jeremiah chases the Spanish soldiers all the way across town, until they come to an airport. The soldiers, still carrying Benjamin, are in the process of getting onto a jet, with the words "AirKorea" scribed onto the side. Garland holds up the pistol he just so happened to be carrying, and fires it at the soldiers.
Jeremiah: Stop!! Let him go!!!
The Spanish soldiers respond by pulling out their own firearms, and shooting back at Jeremiah. Jeremiah evades the bullets, but in the process, the soldiers and Benjamin get on the jet, and the jet takes off.
Scene XI[]
Jeremiah walks slowly back to town, and sits down disappointedly on a bench outside a brothel. Mallace comes walking out of the brothel, shouting something to the owners.
Mallace: Hey guys, thanks for letting me use your computer! I owe ya!
Brothel Owners: No prob, Dirty Mall! You come on by again whenever you feel like it!!
Mallace is carrying four slips of paper in his hand, and notices Jeremiah sitting, head down, on the bench.
Mallace: Oh hey Jeremiah. Did you catch those beaches?
Jeremiah: (sigh)... No... They got away. GOD I'M SUCH A FAILURE!!!
Jeremiah begins to sob uncontrallably.
Mallace: Hey calm down Jeremiah! I got something that'll cheer you up! I just spent the last four hours on the computer printing these out!
Jeremiah: (confused) Why were you on the computer for four... Never mind, whatcha got there?
Mallace extends out his arm, handing the four slips of paper to Jeremiah. Jeremiah reads what the papers say aloud:
Jeremiah: Round-trip ticket to... Pyong'yang, North Korea? Courtesy of AirKorea?!
Mallace: Yup, thought we could use a little get-away, y'know.
Jeremiah: (excited) Dude Mallace! How'd you know I always wanted to go to North Korea!?
Mallace: Um, because I took you there two years ago for President's day break, remember?
Jeremiah: Oh yeah, haha, totally forgot about that trip, I was probably blackout the whole time haha.
Mallace: What? No you weren't. You were having trouble urinating and I had to go get you that special sauce, remember?
Jeremiah: Wait, how come you have four tickets?
Mallace: Well, I figured Davy would come along and the fourth ticket was on a stupendous deal: buy three get one 9.22% off! Couldn't pass that down. We'll just have to find a fourth person to tag along.
Jeremiah: I know just the person! You go wake up Davy, I'll be right back.
Scene XII[]
As Jeremiah paced nervously in the middle of the apartment hallway, his hands were drenched with sweat. He was reciting what to say in his head, and finally worked up the courage. He walked over to apartment number C-2 and knocked thrice. Liz, the young employee from the grocery store, answered, wearing a bathrobe and curlers in her hair.
Liz: Um... Hello? Do I know you?
Jeremiah: (offended) Of course you know me, beach. I'm the hot guy from the grocery store today, you know, with the feather?
Liz: Oh, right... Um, how'd you get my address?
Jeremiah: Eh... Phonebook.
Meanwhile, in the apartment's parking lot, Jeremiah's slab was parked right outside. In the trunk, an irate Caddius Bane struggled to untie the bonds around his wrists.
Liz: Oh, well, um, okay... My husband ran out for a few minutes, he should be back soon...
Jeremiah: (nervously) CAD ISN'T COMING BACK.
Liz: How do you know my husband's name??
Jeremiah: Lucky guess...
Liz: Cad isn't a name you just guess out of thin air like tha-
Jeremiah: Yeah so hey um, here's the deal... Ya little maniac... I got this extra ticket here...
Garland pulled the fourth North Korean ticket out of his pocket and waved it in front of Liz's face.
Jeremiah: I was just wondering if maybe you want to... You know... Tag along with my buddies and me... See some sights... Take a vacation... Be enslaved... Meet some Korean chicks...
Liz: Wait, what was that third thing you said?
Jeremiah: Be enslaved?
Liz: Let me pack my things!
Scene XIII[]
Mallace runs into a random building where Davy has fallen asleep. Davy is sleeping peacefully in somebody's bed.
Mallace: Davy, get up you fat bastard. I got tickets to North Korea.
Davy does not budge. Mallace begins to yell.
Mallace: Davy! My God, get up!
Davy still does not move.
Mallace: I WILL BUST A CAP IN YOUR DONKEY IF YOU DO NOT GET UP.
Davy suddenly sits up, fully awake.
Davy: Davythought >:D
Mallace: Okay good, you're up. Come on, we have to go meet Jeremiah and his person at the airport. I already packed your carry-on bag, here.
Mallace throws Davy a plastic bag filled with ribs. Davy begins sucking on the bag.
Davy: Wait why are we going to North Korea...?
Mallace: Dude it's amazing there. Now come on.
Davy: Mallace, wait!
Mallace, who was heading out the door, turns around.
Mallace: Yes..?
Davy: Carry me :0
Scene XIV[]
Jeremiah and Liz are standing at the security checkpoint of the airport, when they spot Mallace approaching with Davy on his shoulders.
Mallace: Jeremiah... Who is this... Girl thing...
Jeremiah: Oh yeah this is Liz. I thought we could use a female on the trip, you know, for being our slave.
Liz: Hi, I'm Liz.
Liz extends her hand for Mallace to shake, but instead, Mallace hits her across the face.
Mallace: Shut up. Carry Davy.
Mallace then hands Davy to Liz. The four of them, standing in line, are almost upon the security scanner, when they realize they must get rid of their weapons. Jeremiah throws the pistol he was carrying earlier into the trash can, and Mallace pulls out two knives he was holding in his pockets. Davy pulls out a sniper rifle from behind him, and several grenades from his pockets. He then throws them into the trash can as well.
As they are nearing the scanners, Jeremiah notices a familiar face sitting on the opposite side of the checkpoint, with his head down reading a newspaper. It's Jack Goldwrecker!
Jeremiah: Hey guys look it's Jack. HI JACK!!!!
Several airport security officers quickly run over and apprehend Jeremiah for yelling "hijack". Jeremiah attempts to fight them off, but is brought to the ground, tasered, and dragged away into another room.
Mallace: Poor Jeremiah...
Davy: Yeah, I feel bad for him... But I can't stop thinking about this trip! It's gonna be THE BOMB!!
At this, several security officers apprehend Davy as well. Davy fights back as well, and kills one of the officers. However, they are still able to taser him and drag him into the other room with Jeremiah. Mallace and Liz succesfully get through the scanners without any trouble, and walk over to greet Jack Goldwrecker.
Mallace: Whoa Jack what are you doing here!?
Jack looks up from his newspaper.
Jack: I got a ticket to Pyong'yang! So excited!
Mallace: Legit! We got that ticket to!
Jack: Aw nice! By the way, where's Jeremiah?
Mallace: ...
Jack: What? Where is he?
Mallace: He's pregnant.
Jack: (cry)
Mallace: Oh yeah, this is our slave, Liz.
Liz: Hi, I'm the slave, Liz.
Liz extends her hand to shake Jack's hand, but Jack hits her across the face.
Jack: Go get me a sandwich. And none of that ham and turkey crap, I'm talking salmon salad on croissant, beach.
Liz runs off to go get the sandwich. Extremely sad music begins to play as the screen fades into the next scene.
Scene XV[]
Meanwhile, thousands of feet above the Pacific Ocean, an airplane is bound for North Korea. Aboard the plane are the two Spanish soldiers, and their captive, Benjamin Macmorgan.
Benjamin Macmorgan slowly regains consciousness and is now fully awake. He is confused, as he last remembers being in an Uzbek BBQ restaurant with his bros. He then sees the two Spanish soldiers, looking away, and remembers everything. He attempts to get up, but soon realizes he is tied to a crate. He then remembers a fork he stole from the Uzbek BBQ while nobody was looking, and manages to schimy it out of his pocket. Gripping the handle of the fork between his teeth, he manages to cut the bonds around his wrists, and then frees himself from imprisonment. As he looks for a method of escape, one of the Spanish soldiers turns around.
Spanish Soldier: EH! Da white boy wake up! Shoot him!
The other soldier then turns around, and the two, pistols aimed, attempt to shoot a frantic Benjamin. While evading bullets like a boss, Benjamin, in a panic, breaks a nearby window using a crowbar and jumps out.
He plummets down into the dark Pacific Ocean.
Scene XVI[]
Back at the airport, it's about one hour before the flight to North Korea takes off. Mallace, Jeremiah, Davy, Liz, and Jack are sitting at an airport bar sipping beers, except for Jack, who is sipping coconut milk (because he is underage), and Davy, who flirting with an albino woman sitting at the adjacent table.
Jeremiah: Haha, those strip searches sure were fun, eh Davy? I especially liked the part when they played with our legs with their little tasers. Wasn't that fun, Davy? Davy...?
Jeremiah turns to see Davy flirting with the albino woman, and turns back around to drink his beer.
Mallace: You guys are lucky I ratted you out of there. I knew those ticket stubs would come in handy! All I needed was five more to get unlimited Pacific islands!
Jeremiah: Yeah thanks Mallace, I guess I owe ya -_-
Jack: So why are you guys going to North Korea anyways?
Mallace: Just for fun.
Jeremiah: Actually, Mallace... There's something I forgot to tell you... The plane that the Spanish soldiers took Benjamin on, was going to North Korea!
Mallace: NIIIICE! We can save Benjamin AND have a thrill ride of a lifetime! Kill three birds with one stone!
Jack: What's the third bird...?
Mallace: Al Qaeda. Those damn bastards...
Jeremiah: So, Jack. Why are you going to North Korea?
Jack: I own a compound there with some pretty epic slaves. Just going to go check on 'em.
Jeremiah: Nice. Hey Mallace, that reminds me, do we still have a timeshare lease on that condo in North Korea?
Mallace: Oh the Crib? I hope so.
Jeremiah: Good. Are you thinking what I'm thinking >:D
Mallace: Oh Jeremiah, no... That's nasty... Too far, Jeremiah. Too far.
Jeremiah: No, not that. I was just thinking it's been a while since we've had a... Y'know.... BNO...
Jack and Liz look confused.
Liz: BNO? What's that?
Jeremiah: Alright, shut up slave.
Jack: What's a BNO?
Mallace: Boyz Night Out! We haven't had one in a long time. It's where we hit the town and hang out all night in our crib and stuff.
Jack: :O
Jeremiah: Sounds like we're gonna have a Boyz Night Out! Whatdya say, Davy!?
Davy turns around from flirting.
Davy: ...What? Sorry.
Mallace & Jeremiah: IT'S BOYZ NIGHT OUT!
Act II[]
Scene I[]
John Breasly and the pervant, Johnny Shark, had just arrived to the bustling Caribbean metropolis which they seeked. They were making their way into the lobby of Caesar's Palace Hotel and Casino, eager to hit the slots. Standing by the door was a black guy.
John: What an exotic place this is!
Johnny: My King... Do be careful not to spend the entire British treasury here...
John: Hush up!
John enters the casino, and begins playing the slots like a boss while Johnny stands by patiently. A man in a suit with sunglasses walks up to Johnny. Johnny recognizes the man immediately as a British secrent agent, with the codename 'Boogie Mango'. The two speak in a hushed whisper.
Boogie: Good evening, Agent Turner... I'm glad I was finally able to track you down.
Johnny: How did you find us...?
Boogie: An awkward, unsettling Indian man told me you'd be here.
Johnny: Damn it, Blasthawk...
Boogie: Anyways, we have an urgent crisis on our hands...
Johnny: Go on...
Boogie: One of our agents has been kidnapped by two Spanish militants. Reports suggests they are making their escape, enroute to North Korea of all places. That agent of ours was holding important information, and it is vital we save him at once.
Johnny looks over at John, who is swimming in his own winnings.
Johnny: But what about the King...?
Boogie: See if you can convince him to come along with us.
Johnny: Aight.
Johnny walks over to John, and talks to him for a minute. He then walks back to Boogie.
Johnny: Um he says he wants to stay here... And then he called me an arse.
Boogie: Okay, I suppose it'll be alright to leave him here for a few days. Let's go, we don't have much time to waste.
As the two agents begin to walk out of the casino, John begins to talk with an Asian guy. Their conversation ends with John stealing the Asian guy's shirt and running off. He catches up with the two British agents.
John: Never mind, I'm coming with you. The people here are weird.
Scene II[]
After hours of drifting unconsciously through the raging Pacific Ocean, Benjamin slowly began to regain consciousness. As he opened his greedy little eyes, he was soon blinded by the light of the sun. A silhouette of a mysterious person appeared in front of him.
Benjamin: Am... Am I in in Heaven??
Silhouette: Wercome to Japan!!
Benjamin: Oh God I'm in hell!
Benjamin stood up to see the face of a jolly, gay, Japanese chubby man. He spoke rough English to that bastard, Benjamin.
Japanese Man: We grad you come, white boy! We have food! We have animar! We have horse you try eat but you can eat horse horse mine!
Benjamin stood there confused, and soon, another Japanese man appeared.
Other Japanese Man: (to the first Japanese man) RUN!!!! BURU IS ON THE RAGE!!!!
First Japanese Man: AW HERR NAW.
Benjamin looked up to see a skyship with the Japanese flag on it hovering above the beach. All the Japanese men ran around, shouting noises in fright.
First Japanese Man: White boy! Run! Quickingry! You mus go away from this rocation or your nippres wirr dry!!
Confused even more, Benjamin began to run toward a small forest. As he looked back, he saw a devistating sight: the Emperor Buru, standing atop the skyship, ordered a barrage of bombs to be dropped onto the beach. Left and right the Japanese men were killed. Benjamin ran deeper into the forest and didn't stop running until he came across a mystic Japanese temple. The old man sitting in front of the temple was named Jim Logan! Jim saw Benjamin approaching his dojo.
Jim Logan: Who dares approach the INSTANTLY CLASSICAL FLIPPITY FLOPPITY...
Benjamin: All those people back there just got bombed!!
Jim Logan: Ahhhhhhhh yes... That was the devious work of Emperor Buru, tyrant of these lands. White boy who come from sea, you mus defeat Buru...
Benjamin: (cries)
Jim Logan: I see how it is! John Cena! Finish him!
John Cena emerges from the temple, with a lobster in one hand and a pistol in the other. He is wearing nothing except some weird yellow pants. He charges at Benjamin. Benjamin jumps out of the way, and kicks him in the leg in the process. Cena raises his pistol, and fires five bullets at Benjamin. Benjamin, balancing his check book, dodges are the bullets, except one, which he eats. He spits the bullet back out, killing the lobster in John Cena's hand. John Cena begins to cry, and runs back into the temple.
Jim Logan: You defeated him with grace, young white boy... But NOW... You must face me!!! WOO WOO!
Benjamin picks up a stick he found on the ground and throws it at the chair Jim is sitting on. Jim tumbles over, and breaks both his legs.
Jim Logan: Okay you win. Take this. Use it to defeat Buru!!!!
The fallen Jim Logan hands Benjamin Macmorgan (that bastard) a photograph of an instant flippity flop. Benjamin tucks it in his pocket and runs off.
Scene III[]
On board the plane, Mallace, Jeremiah, Jack, Liz, and Davy are heading toward Pyong'yang. They are SO excited about the BNO they're going to have there. Davy touches Mallace's hand.
Mallace: Hi.
Davy: So soft.
A terrorist is on board! He tries to blow up the plane. Mallace, Jeremiah, and Davy spring into action. Jack is in the back, busy making the slave, Liz, feel comfortably harassed. The trio overwhelm the terrorist and tie him up.
Jeremiah: Why would you try to blow up this plane, why?
Terrorist: Because my disco attitude broke the beat!
Jeremiah: What
Suddenly, the terrorist breaks from his bonds, and in the blink of an eye, pulls out a pistol. He shoots Mallace, who was busy arguing hypothetical philosophy with Davy. Mallace falls to the floor, bleeding all over. His hair becomes greasy, and his eyes turn to a golden paper.
Mallace: Ehahehhahehhahhhe...
Jeremiah: Mallace!! NO!
Mallace: Jeremiah... Jeremiah..... Jeremiah..........
Suddenly, Jeremiah wakes up from his nightmare. He is sitting comfortably in his airplane chair, BUCKLED UP.
Mallace: Jeremiah! Jeremiah! Wake up!
Jeremiah: Oh wow, you're alive!!!
Jeremiah gets up from his chair, almost trips, and hugs Mallace.
Mallace: Of course I'm alive, and we've almost reached North Korea.
Jeremiah: Yessssssss
Meanwhile, Jack Goldwrecker is talking on his cellphone. After a few minutes, he hangs up, with an excited face.
Jack: Guys, good news! I was just talking to my slaves, and we've got a whole line up set up for the BNO tonight! It'll be epic!
Mallace: Nice! Sounds like Liz has some company :)
Liz: (unenthusiastically) Hooray...
Jeremiah: Hey, beach, shut up.
Mallace: Wait a minute, Jack, how were you just talking on your cell phone?
Suddenly, the captain's voice is heard on the intercom over head.
Captain: Alright... Whichever one of you bonuhlicious freaks were talking on the cell phone, guess what: you just intercepted all my messages to the flight tower. Good job, moron. Now I have to kill myself. Damn communists.
A loud gunshot is heard over the intercom. A second scream is heard from the intercom before it cuts. Several babies start crying.
Mallace: Okay guys brb, I'll go pilot the plane for our suicidal captain hehe.
Jeremiah: Say, has anybody seen Davy?
Jack points out a nearby airplane window, where Davy is posing on a horse, who is clinging desperately to the airplane wing. He majestically sends off two flare signals, and, shedding all of his clothes with one motion, swiftly lets go and falls off the wing. The horse dies. Everybody is shocked, and thinks Davy is dead. Suddenly, the airplane emergency exit opens up from the outside, and there is standing Davy, fully dressed, holding a salad.
Davy: I got dinner :0
Scene IV[]
John, Johnny, and Boogie all sat side-by-side, hand-in-hand, in their gay little orange chairs on the airplane, except for John, who was in the back having good times with the flight stewardess. Johnny and Boogie were discussing how their mission will run in North Korea.
Boogie: Alright, so, cool. We arrive in North Korea around 0:600 hours, grab a LIGHT breakfast in the airport cantina, get our massages, and then go straight to the hotel. John gets his own room, you and me split a suite.
Johnny: Um, wait... Can I get the room with John?
Boogie: I wanted to play you in badmitton... I got my shuttlecock all ready to go :0
Johnny: Sorry, I was just really hoping to get in the room with John. I've been planning it for months. We order room service, get in towels, watch something radiant on TV, light some candles, and shooby-dooby it up on the hotel matresses. Oh, and we get some chicken fingers from the guy in the alley, just for grins and giggles.
Boogie: I'll try your chicken fingers, and sir, they ARE NOT BAD! NAUGHTY
Johnny: IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR SURGERY WENT WELL
Boogie: LICK THE TUNA, LICK IT AND LICK THE OTHER ONE
A stream of sweat ran down Johnny's face.
Johnny: Too much hair, we need to remove the -
SUDDENLY, John came back and sat down next to them.
John: Hellllooooo ya little stiff immigrants.
Boogie: John, no word from our British agent yet. Hopefully he is still in North Korea.
John: I don't care, I just want to give my lotions to a North Korean lady.
Then, the pilot's voice came on on the intercom overhead.
Pilot: Goooood evening ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, and we have now reached a cruising altitude where it is safe to use handhelds and approved electric devices. However, we might be hitting some routine turbulence up ahead, and it is strongly advised that you remain seated in your gay seats with your seatbelt tightly fastened. In the meantime, I invite you all to sit back, put your feet up, and GIMME YOUR PANTS.
Johnny: Wait... I know that voice.
Suddenly, Jeffrey Blasthawk stuck his greedy little head out of the captain's cockpit door, with a misty little grin upon his devious little face.
John: Freaking Indian...
Scene V[]
Benjamin stood there, high atop the mountain's crest, with a sword in one hand and his other hand in his pocket. His face was covered with war paint, he had numerous beads and strips of silk in his hair, and his shirt was nonexisting. Then, he raised his sword to the Heavens and shouted for all of Japan to hear.
Benjamin: BRUTHERS!!!!!! THE TIME HAS COME!!! BURU MUST BE DEFEATED!!!!!!!!!!!! UNITE!!!!! UNITE YES!!!!!! UNITE FOR JAPAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Japanese Army: HUING CHOW DE CHU LE DAO TEE OH ING HAOW!!!!!!
Benjamin: They will be here soon... The Emperor's Army, bearing the flag of the SOTL... We must show them what for!!!
To this, all the Japanese guys yelled and cheered. They were all naked, except for one guy, who was uncomfortable with his body so then he spent his life savings to go to Hawaii UH OH.
Benjamin: BRING OUT THE GUAM BOMBS!
Just then, Benjy's secret weapon, a convoy of missiles, were brought up by the Japanese soldiers and placed in position.
Japanese Sentry: SUH. THEY AH COMING. WE AH READIE FO A FIIIII---GHT!!
Benjamin: Good. Crap is about to get real. OH YEAH.
Within a minute's notice, Buru's army, being led by Buru himself, emerged in the near distance, weapons in hand and armour nice and shiny. As Benjamin predicted, they were carrying an SOTL banner, which looked really gay (as in happy).
Benjamin: THERE THEY ARREEE. FIRE!!!!!!!!!
Then, the Guam Bombs took off, and were launched right above Buru's advancing army. When the Guam Bombs were right on top of them, they exploded. A strange, white powdery dust was released from the missiles and landed like snow on the Japanese army. All of Buru's men (including Buru), slowly put down their weapons, let their hair down, and began pillow fighting and kicking a hackysack with each other, completely ignoring the battle. They gave off weird moans of enjoyment from the white powder, and none of them could talk in a complete sentence.
Japanese Soldier: SUH. THE GUAM BOMS HIT WITH MUCH SUCCESSSSS!! ORDUHS!?
Benjamin: CHARGE!
Scene VI[]
Meanwhile, back on the plane with John, Boogie, Jeffrey, and Johnny...
Jeffrey: Well, we are not far from North Korea, and we are approximately two hours away. If you look to your right, you will see the island nation of Japan out your window below.
John leans over, touching Johnny's hand, and looks out the window. He sees an army of naked soldiers charging at a bunch of mellow guys covered in white powder.
John: Ha. Look at those idiots. So stickyy.
Scene VII[]
Benjamin chopped left and right, killing the addicted soldiers covered in the white dust. THEN, he came face to face with Buru himself. Buru died.
Japanese Guy: Benjamin is ah new emperah! All hail! All hail!
Benjamin: Aw thanks guys (blushing).
Benjamin was so erect at that moment. So happy!
Just then, Benjamin felt a tingly feeling in his pants... The spirit of Christmas!
Scene VIII[]
Mallace, Jeremiah, Jack, Elizabeth, and Davy touched down in Kim Jong Il International Jetport in the primitive hours of morning. As they emerged from the cockpit, their hands covered in silk, a sensational feeling of Brohemia swept over them.
Mallace: AWWWWWWWWWWWWW YEAHHH
Jeremiah: GET IT DOWN
Jack: Guys we're in Korea
Mallace: Slaaavee forward
Elizabeth steps forward, and received a Korean welcome - that is, a greasescarlett to the mouth - from a nearby Korean Asian thing.
Jeremiah: Jack, tell me you have a whole line of slaves set uo for us tonight!!
Jack: Sure do, I just need you guys to follow me to the downtown places.
Mallace: Sounds legit, oh and where's Davy?
Davy: GUYZ HELP
Davy had been crushed by the planes wheels. Mallace, Jeremiah, Liz, and Jack continue to Jack's pimp shack - err, I mean slave house. They find a taxi cab and hop inside.
Asian driver: I drive you to fun fun. Where you go.
Jeremiah: O_O
Mallace: Asian driver...
Jeremiah: Oh hell naw
Jack: Bless the lord!
Mallace: We'll walk... Thanks.
The four get out of the cab and proceed to the downtown places.
Scene IX[]
Breasly, Boogie, Johnny Shark, and Jeffrey are still aboard their plane, almost in Korea.
John: Pervant! Where is my Arab pork roast...
Boogie: Oh dear God... Sir... The pervant is... dead.
John and Boogie look at the pervant, sitting in his chair with a noose around his neck and three fork holes in his chest. He is clearly dead.
John: Shame... How did he die?
Boogie: He went inactive from the wiki D:
John: The who?
Boogie: ....
Jeffrey: Umm assholes. Wake up. We're here.
John and Boogie cheer gayly in gay excitement, to which Boogie almost breaks his groin. After they sit down, they buckle up and prepare for their descent into North Korea. What adventure lies ahead!
Scene X[]
Emperor Benjamin of Japan slowly made his way back to the palace in HuingChowdingdongsunglegangbang City, when he noticed a stage with bright lights and an overall corrupt atmosphere. Oh herro! He hopped up on the stage and spoke into the microphone in his flawless Mongolian accent.
Benjamin: PEOPLEZ of Japan! It goes without saying! JOhn Cena is a smear to society, and must be sold to Africans! Who is with me!!
Jim Logan, who was in the crowd, began to sob. He stood up, snapped his fingers in a seductive fashion, and out from the turnip patch emerged John Cena, bigger and angrier than ever.
Benjamin: So it seems...... My Co. Empire skills must be put to the test! Mr. Cena, you are as sour as Jim's attitude. Your withered legs feel like a thousand mammals at once! Let us fight!
Benjamin picked up a nearby ashtray, and threw it at John Cena. John Cena let out a hideous roar that could be heard on the next island over, and began to charge at the Japanese emperor. In fear, Benjamin hid behind some townsfolk. He even impregnated one man. John Cena came roaring into the crowd, knocking down Muslims left and right. THEN, he found Benjamin, and got him in a headlock. Benjamin took advantage of the moment, and retracted his neck so he could escape. Confused as hell, John Cena turned into a wizard, and in the style of Severus Snape, began embracing an escaping Benjamin. Benjamin made it to the bridge, overlooking the great harbour of the Japanese prostitutes, and turned towards John Cena.
Benjamin: This is it... Time to make a stand... and lick the sand.
It all happened like a tsunami. Benjamin was knocked over the bridge into the harbour of the Japanese prostitutes, and was immediately unconscious. He drifted further and further out to sea... Forgotten, alone, neglected, like one of those freaking cats on the Sarah Mclachlan commercials.
Scene XI[]
Meanwhile, in North Korea, the two Spanish soldiers who had kidnapped Benjamin earlier are walking down the shadier parts of the city, licking their OWN corndogs, and reading the Diary of Anne Frank. Suddenly, they come to a large metal building, and enter the front door.
Spanish Soldier 1: ¿Hola bassoon?
Spanish Soldier 2: No está aquí, matamos a su familia...
Spanish Soldier 1: Smoking cannabis...
Suddenly, a shadowy figure emerges from behind them. His face cannot be seen, and he is holding a pistol in his hand, which he is pointing right at the Spanish soldiers. He speaks to them in a deep, raspy voice.
Mysterious Figure: About time you two imbeciles showed up... I hope you enjoyed your flight.
Spanish Soldier 1: ¡Sí! It was... how you say, bonuhlicious. Except I ordered te Bluedog Beef and the flight stewardess, that feminista, brought me --
The mysterious figure fires his pistol at the talking Spanish soldier, cutting him off. The soldier gapes in surprise, and collapses to the floor, dead. The other Spanish soldier is horrified.
Mysterious Figure: WHERE is the British agent you said you'd bring me!? I paid Pearson a handsome amount to have you two bring me that agent, now where is he!?
Spanish Soldier 2: Master Pearson... is muerto, my lord... He wa ---
Mysterious Figure: You fail to answer my question. Where is the British agent!?!
Spanish Soldier 2: I don't know, my lord! I am sorry! We lost him on the way over here!
The Spanish soldier pleads and cries that the Mysterious Figure does not kill him. He has his eyes shut tight, and is expecting a bullet in the head. After some time has passed, and he is still alive, he slowly opens his eyes.
Spanish Soldier 2: ...Are you not going to kill me, mi señor...?
Mysterious Figure: ...No. Not yet anyways. I will give you until dawn, Agapito, to find the agent and bring him to me alive... Do not mess up.
Spanish Soldier: Sí, gracias mi señor. I will not fail you this time.
The Spanish soldier quickly exits the building to fulfill his mission, leaving the mysterious figure there alone. The mysterious figure begins eating a salad which is revealed to be a Stpehen Salad.
Scene XII[]
Our heroes, Jeremiah, Mallace, Jack, Elizabeth, and Davy (who had rejoined them) were walking pompously through the streets of lesser Pyong'yang. They passed by various brothels and drug cartel workshops, before finally coming to Jack's compound where he was keeping their BNO slaves for the evening.
Jack: You guys stay here. I'll go inside and make sure the slaves are all in order.
Jeremiah: Sounds legit.
Jack hurried inside the compound, leaving Jeremiah, Mallace, Elizabeth, and Davy. Davy went off to strip in front of some Korean pigeons, leaving just the other three to stand around and talk.
Mallace: Alright, guys, here's the plan..
Mallace pulled down his pants just then.
Mallace: FIRST, we're going to check out Jack's slaves. See if they're spicy enough, or even too spicy. Once we do that, we need to go find something to eat.
Jeremiah: Yeah, I haven't had anything to eat since the Uzbek BBQ. I still have my bakhsh, but it has since gone sterile.
Jeremiah pulls out his bakhsh, and begins sniffing it and then eating the moldy lamb bits.
Mallace: Riiiiight. So, after we find a place to eat, we can go find the BNO club. I think it's in the Gangbang District. We can hang out there for the rest of the night.
Jeremiah and Mallace: BOYZ NIGHT OUT.
Suddenly, a scream is heard from inside the compound. Although it sounds a lot like a young Jewish girl's scream, the boyz immediately recognise it as Jack! They run inside...
Mallace: ELIZABETH BE A SLAVE FOR ONCE AND GET IN THE BED. DAVY GET LIZ READY TO DO HER JOB.
As they run inside to find Jack, they see a horrible site...
Jack: mmm...hmhmh.... mmmhhMMHHMM!... MHHYHYHHMMMYHMMM!
Jeremiah: Oh sweet BNO...
Scene XIII[]
As Benjamin drifted out at sea, a sexy ship appeared in the background. The men on board were wearing leotards. Finally, they saw Benjamin floating in the water, and approached him. With their fish nets, they were able to hoist him on board their boat.
David: Lolz, this isn't a tuna! Peter, quick, get the happy sauce!
Peter: hi
David: You never do anything -_- I'll get the happy sauce myself
Peter: lol :3
David returned a few moments later holding a bottle of a special liquid. He poured it in Benjamin's mouth. Immediately, Benjamin began to gag on it, and soon regained consciousness. He went into a coughing attack and wouldn't stop! Dammit!
Peter: pls stop coughing
David: Peter, do something!
In the blink of an eye, Peter hit Benjamin on the back of the head with a dried salmon, and Benjamin immediately went unconscious again. He then fell into a hole, in the bowels of the ship.
David: We have no choice now but to take him back to port...
Peter: I kissed your sister
Scene XIV[]
John, Boogie, and Jeffrey are just leaving the Kim Jong Il International Jetport. Jeffrey has since consumed the dead body of Johnny, the pervant. John is wearing his Hawaiian shirt, a straw hat, cargo pants, a camera around his neck, and flippity flops.
John: Mr. Boogie... You told me there'd be bright beaches here and mountains of scampi!
Boogie: I never said that. OH but I found a scampi place.
The three walk into a nearby restaurant. As it turns out, it is not a restaurant at all but rather the residential palace of Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. John engages in conversation with him.
John: So, Mr. Un, what do you aspire to achieve in your kingdom? Surely you must have some sort of foreign policy plan, or a method to reduce the regional deficit? Where is your prime minister? Have you given freedom of speech to the masses yet?
Kim Jong Un: I. LIKE. BEEF. IN MY MOUF. ALL NIGHT YES.
Meanwhile, Boogie goes over to a nearby counter and talks to a Korean official, to get some insight on the issue with Macmorgan.
Boogie: Excuse me, my good man. I don't suppose you've seen a rather stalky-looking, mustached, white man in your city have you? He is a British agent carrying important intel, and it is vital we find him.
Korean Officer: 당신은 대체 누구입니다.
Boogie: I see. Your words sadden me. Goodbye.
Boogie turns and begins to walk away.
Korean Officer: Wait! Take this!
The Korean officer hands Boogie a map of the city of Pyong'yang. One building is circled in red. Boogie takes the map, and is examining it, while the Korean points at the circled building.
Korean Officer: Look here, at this building. If my senses are correct, and they usually are, you will find Benjamin Macmorgan there. Good luck, padawan!
Boogie: (With head down.) Wait, how did you know his name? Who are you?
Boogie looks up, and sees the Korean officer has vanished. In his place is a fish bowl holding a koi, and attached is a small sticky note that reads: "The horse will be with you. Always. - Confucius".
Boogie, with a tear in his eyes and dramatic meloncholy music playing, exits the building. John exits the building as well. As for Jeffrey, he is engaged in a match of Wii Bowling with Kim Jong Un.
Scene XV[]
What Jeremiah, Mallace, Davy, and Elizabeth saw next was a sight that could not be unseen. It was the kind of sight that makes grown men cry, and young men laugh...
Jack Goldwrecker's pimphouse had gone through chaotic times in his absence. The slaves held within had revolted, formed their own government, written their own constitution, elected their own president, and now held their former owner, Jack Goldwrecker, hostage. Tens of thousands of slaves now filled the room, all angry as can be. A Korean woman was their president. She held Jack by the throat, his clothes off, and his hands severed. Jeremiah and Mallace recognised the slave president at once as Hannah Bluefeather.
Elizabeth: Hannah! Let him go!
Jeremiah: Elizabeth stop.
Hannah: You guys are too late! Jack will die!
Mallace: It seems the classic political evolution has taken place while we least expected it... Indeed, these people have revolted. And what they have merged themselves into now as a collectivity is not a stable form of democracy as we'd like to think! They are a corrupt aristocracy. This is troubling.
All eyes were on Mallace. At once everyone notices that Davy is missing...!
Hannah: Mallace you know not what you are saying! Guards, get them!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Four husky women slave guards apprehend Mallace, Jeremiah, and Elizabeth. Elizabeth tries to resist but is killed in the process. Jeremiah slowly weeps but is comforted by Mallace's warm embrace. The two heroes are thrown to the ground.
Jeremiah: It appears this is the end, my good friend...
Mallace: Sad to say so. I've always thought I'd be killed in a tornado...
Jeremiah: Me too. There are so many things I wanted to do before I was killed.
Mallace: Please start listing things.
Jeremiah: I wanted to see my children go to college. I'd laugh as they walked out the door because I was so happy. I wanted to pretend I was a cop for just one day so I could prove to everybody that I could pretend to be a cop. I wanted to sing on the big stage... perhaps even have a duet with Dakota Fanning.
Mallace: Jeremiah no! She's too young for you.
Jeremiah: Yes... I wanted to learn how to make gravy from any animal imaginable. I wanted to swim across the ocean and eat some classic Miami pizza. Mallace, I wanted to live! To be free! To see my country grow from a state of decay into a world-class nation! It cannot happen now... She is not too young for me.
Davy: Guys...
Mallace: Davy enough Jeremiah is in the middle of soliloquy.
Jeremiah: Davy please give me this before we are killed.
Davy: Um
Mallace: DAVY. STOP.
Davy: Guys please just look at what I did ._.
Jeremiah and Mallace look up from the floor to see Davy, standing there with two submachine guns tucked under his arms. Every single slave in the room was dead and blood was in the air. Even Hannah was killed!
Jeremiah: Mallace, we did it! Our magic killed everybody!
Mallace: Jeremiah no... it was not our magic, it was our lust to live! Rama hath answer'd us!
Davy: nice job guys c:
Stepping over dead bodies left and right, Jeremiah, Mallace, and Davy make their way to the corpse of Hannah Bluefeather to confirm she is dead. Davy crunches up her bloody body, riddled with bullet holes, and stuffs it in his coat (for later). Jeremiah and Mallace find Jack nearby, unharmed except for his severed hands.
Mallace: Jack, my dear fellow, I am very sorry about all of this. These slaves did not deserve you. Come with us, we will take you to our crib and we can relax.
Jack: ok.
Scene XVI[]
Breasly insisted on the bath house. He felt very dirty, sticky, hungry, and dry from the flight over so he told Boogie he'd find the nearest bath house and indulge in the Korean waters. Now Boogie sat alone, at a wonton bar across the street from the bath house, watching the king bathe with new friends HE HAD JUST MADE. Boogie sat with his head in his hands, as the rain poured down, beating against the glass windows like a child beats its animals. He did not look at his wonton cup in front of him. He was feeling too wanton for that. Like weird men do, he began speaking to himself.
Boogie: What am I to do... I must find Agent Benjamin Macmorgan before the night is over! Alas, this is a large city filled with great mysteries and cultured people. I cannot find him in time if the greatest man alive were to walk up from behind and sit down next to me!
Just then, just as he was saying that, the gods answered! A disheveled looking Korean lad in uniform sat down next to Boogie and took all of his wontons. The wontons were hot, but this Korean guy did not mind he kept on eating them.
Boogie: Wait a minute... I recognise you! You are that Korean officer I talked with in Kim Jong Un's house! You left me the fish bowl...
Korean Officer: So I did. I hope you have been well in the six minutes since I last saw you. I hope you did not touch my fish.
Boogie: Yeah, I wish. But I have a problem of my own right now. I'm looking for a man who I'm not sure even exists anymore. His name is –
Korean Officer: Benjamin Macmorgan.
Boogie: Yes, how did you know?!
Korean Officer: Because you were just talking out loud to yourself just now as I was walking by. Anyways, I think I can help you find him.
Boogie: Really? How will you do that?
Korean Officer: Come with me...
The Korean officer smiled and stood up from his seat. He pulled a grenade from his pocket, bit out the clip and threw it towards the kitchen. There was a huge explosion and everybody in the kitchen perished. Smoke now filled the wonton cafe so the Korean Officer and Boogie could easily escape. A few civilians with guns shot at the two of them, but the Korean officer took out a knife and killed everybody else. Suddenly, the roof blew up and a helicopter from high above sent down a ladder. The Korean officer got on the ladder and extended his arm for Boogie to grab.
Boogie: Wait! What is your name?!
Korean Officer: Daggerteel. Sven, Daggerteel.
Act III[]
Scene I[]
Benjamin Macmorgan awoke to the sound of bagpipes. Was he home? Had his mother remembered his birthday this year? Perhaps his father had returned from the island! His brothers and his sisters... how jealous he was of them in their shorts.. he longed to be free, to feel the murky waters against his chest. But the bed was cold and his mother had forgotten once more. Not even breakfast was the same.
Ah, but Benjamin is only dreaming. As he slowly opens his eyes he sees a black man standing over him. Africa! He remembered his fall into the sea... how could it be he had washed up in Africa? Just then, a white came into Benjamin's peripheral view. Phew! Not in Africa after all.
Benjamin: Where... am... I...
Peter: Why are you talking like that sir?
Benjamin: I... am... injured...... therefore... I... must... talk.........!
Peter: calm down
Benjamin enters a coughing fit. David walks up and tosses Benjamin what appears to be a protein bar.
David: Eat this.
Benjamin: Who is the black man?
David: His name is Peter, he is King of Swaziland. I am his mentor and older brother, David. I am from Staten Island though nobody ever seems to let me talk this long, so thank you!
Benjamin: What be the hap-haps home slice ;)
Peter: Hello my friend from the neighbourhood o'er yonder.
Benjamin eats the protein bar. Immediately he regains strength (he later learns it was drugs)
Benjamin: So where are we??
David: A marvelous city, isn't it?
Benjamin: I don't know where we are... And I can't see anything because you've tied me to this bed.
Peter: It is a beautiful cityscape, my friend. Like one from a Renoir portrait.
Benjamin: Just untie me!
Scene II[]
Mallace, Jeremiah, Davy, and Jack make their war to the Gangbang District. Along the way they meet some interesting faces. One such face scares Jack so much that he almost loses it all.
Finally they reach their condo building. They speak to the landlord, who happens to be out strolling at 3 AM. Mallace approaches.
Mallace: Excuse me, ma'am, but I -
Landlord: I am boy
Mallace: Right, very sorry. Excuse me, sir... We're here to check into our condominium.
Landlord: why
Jeremiah: BNO.
Landlord: I wish you luck, I hope you recover quickly! what misfortune for you
Jeremiah: what
Landlord: ah, you not from here. yes, you see in korea "BNO" stand for "bruised nipple operation".
Jeremiah: ...
Mallace: Davy, you are King of the Asians, speak with this Korean landlord and find out if he's really a lord!
Davy: guanglachowdoopingponggroinseebomuamarkadafiyotoofahuingseemamamadoootsikelopagropemeghetedsaagtootsimbashooboodooboolachittychittybangbangsesameseedsilikemensimba?
Landlord: shoobitybop
Davy: I see...
Jeremiah: What did he say?
Davy: Our condo has been rented out by someone... He doesn't know the name ._.
Mallace: WHAT THE FLIPPING GOLDVANE JUICES
Jeremiah: NO. ARE YOU ACTUALLY JOKING.
Jack: How could someone else get in there before us? I was really looking forward to coming...
Davy: Davytho -
Jeremiah: DAVY NOW IS NOT THE TIME. We have to hurry and get this person out of our condomsinium
Mallace: Indeed...
Our heroes rush off towards their BNO condo!
The landlord, immediately afterwards, sits down on a nearby bench and proceeds to cough and die. Another victim of oppressive government and poor living conditions. His wealth and estate goes to his eldest son, but is soon embezzled by the Korean regime. The son is later killed in a brawl surrounding milk rights.
Scene III[]
John Breasly was relaxing in the Korean bath house. He had a towel wrapped around him and felt pretty good. Suddenly a Spanish soldier (naked) sat down next to him...
John: Hello? Are you Spanish?
Spanish Soldier: Si...
Offended, John gets up and moves to another bath. The Spanish soldier follows.
Spanish Soldier: Uno momento, por favor!
Breasly has his rape whistle at the ready.
John: Well, what is it? I'm very busy.
Spanish Soldier: Please, senor... I was hoping you could help me, yes?
John: A doctor would be best for that. Hemorrhoids are not a joke.
Spanish Soldier: Not that problem, senor. You see, I am searching for a white boy, he is white like you and he is very fiesty. Here is picture:
The Spanish soldier holds up a crude drawing of the man he is looking for. John examines it.
John: O! That is Benjamin Macmorgan!
Spanish Soldier: Yes it is! So you know him, senor? Where can I find him?
John: I am not sure! The bastard owes me a buttload of cash after our encounter in Tahiti... I shall help you search for him, Mexican!
Spanish Soldier: Muy bien! Let us begin our search at -
John: I must finish my royal bath first!!!
John reclines in a tub of dirty cold water surrounded by dozens of grouchy nude Asians. The Spanish soldier waits on patiently.
Scene IV[]
Mallace, Jeremiah, Jack, and Davy make their way to the BNO condo, which happens to be on the 133rd floor of the building. The elevator is out so they are forced to take the stairs. The stairs are out so they are forced to take the ladder. The ladder is out so they are forced to climb up a chain they found. Jeremiah and Mallace do not feel like climbing so Davy happily carries them both. He enjoys the company anyways.
Mallace: We must be ready for whatever vial creature has penetrated our condo.
Jack: I will ask St. Bairfhion for guidance in the upcoming scuffle.
Because Jack no longer has hands he must climb the chain with his teeth.
Davy: heh
They reach the top and are standing outside their condo door. A fragrant black fog emits from their condo. They prepare themselves... Each have a unique weapon.
Jeremiah: CHARGE
They knock down the door and begin firing their bows (except for Mallace who has a futuristic gun pls ban) blindly through the black fog that has filled the condo. After a few seconds of realising they are not ambushed, their weapons suddenly disintegrate in their hands.
Jeremiah: WHAT SORCERY
Jack: tis allah's wicked ways...
Mallace: Look! Above the wafflez bar!
All eyes turn to where Mallace is pointing. The black fog begins to disperse and a shadowy, cloaked figure stands above the wafflez bar in the condo's mini kitchen. Only two red eyes glare back at our heroes.
Mallace: You are the one who has rented out our condo! Identify yourself or you will be Davy'd!
Davy stands by ready to do his thing.
Mysterious Figure: .............
Jeremiah: You are not helping your cause.
Mallace: Seriously
Mysterious Figure: I... am... the son of the night. I am the eater of worlds. I am a disciple of the shadows... I am Parax.
Jeremiah: o_o
Mallace: o_o
Jack: o_o
Davy: :3
Scene V[]
David: Oh schnitttttz
Peter: what is it
David: Look out the window, come here.
Peter, David, and Benjamin were just entering Pyongyang harbour aboard their fishing vessel. David happened to be looking out of an unattractive window in the captain's quarters when he noticed a disturbing site... Also, Benjamin is urinating nearby. Unimportant detail.
Peter: what do you see?
David: It's... Jong-Pistol...
Peter: ?!?
Assembled at the docks was a squadron of well-armed Korean soldiers in formation, standing facing the fishing vessel. Fronting the formation was the notorious commander of the North Korean Armed Aero-Marine Specialty Elite Royal Army (NKAAMSERA), Jack Jong-Pistol.
Jack Jong-Pistol is an interesting case. He was born in the British African colonies but after a terrible hurricane ruined his home he decided to move to North Korea as a toddler. He lost his eye along the way and now had an eyepatch whenever he goes. He managed to convince Great Leader to make him commander of his army, and he ruled with an iron fist (he also lost a hand in Vietnam and had it replaced with an iron fist). He was a man of short temper and tall stature... Or is it a tall temper and short stature? Yeah, that sounds better.
Jong-Pistol: Ge' outta 'ere, the lawt of ye!
David stuck his unimpressive head out the cabin window and spoke nervously.
David: Good 'morrow, Governor-General-Supreme-Commander Jong-Pistol! To what do we owe the pleasure?
Peter: yes we like pleasure!
Jong-Pistol: Ay don' ye gi'e me any 'o 'at 'arbage! We know ye be 'idin' a dan'rous crim'nal aye!
David (to Peter): Criminal? He must be talking about Benjamin...
Peter: who?
Jong-Pistol: Ye sods 'ave exa'ly thir' seconds 'fore thee boyz 'n I come 'on o'er 'ere!
In the time it took David and Peter to come up with a reasonable response, thirty seconds had passed. Korean soldiers boarded the vessel and began searching intensively. One Korean soldier got into the captain quarters but Peter found an old shovel nearby and killed the soldier. Then Jong-Pistol himself came in an apprehended Peter and David. He ordered them to have duck tape put on their mouths (yes, duck tape; duct tape is expensive in Korea so they make tape from the sticky substance of most ducks).
Jong-Pistol: I aren't playin' ye sods where be Macmorgan?
They couldn't answer because the duck tape was still on their mouths.
Jong-Pistol: Well don't ye ignor' me! Where is he?!
Suddenly a Korean soldier comes in.
Korean Soldier: Governor-Generar-Supreme-Commander, we harf searched the entire ship and the white boy is nowhere to be found!
Jong-Pistol: Salmon!
Just then, the toilet flushes from a closet nearby. Benjamin casually walks out holding a newspaper and some Uzbek rice pudding (or so we think).
Benjamin: Hello :D
Benjamin is immediately gagged and handcuffed and beaten and stuffed into a Korean-sized bag and thrown into a jeep on the dock with Peter and David and they are all driven away.
Scene VI[]
John Breasly and the Spanish guy are walking through the red light district of Pyongyang.
John: So why do you want to find Benjamin?
Spanish Soldier: My boss will kill me if I do not. He is a ruthless cabrón. Why do you seek Macmorgan?
John: Oh, I don't really. I just remember hearing about my old friend, Boogie, talking about finding him. I don't know where Boogie is right now... I don't know where any of my friends are.....
John stops to weep as dramatic violins play from above (Korean orchestra). He is sad and cold and lonely and all he wanted was a nice Caribbean vacation. The Spanish soldier moves in...
Spanish Soldier: It's all bien, amigo. I'll be your new friend c:
John: :)
Spanish Soldier: (:
John: Say, I never asked you. What's your name?
Spanish Soldier: I am called Cadet.
John: o_O is that your rank or what...
Cadet: Yes, I never learned my name so I am called Cadet but big promotion soon! Soon I be private third class! Then nobody call me "cadet" anymore everybody call me "private third class" it will be muy bien!
John: Oh Cadet!
The two hold hands as they accidently proceed into a Korean brothel.
Scene VII[]
The heat was intense as Parax flipped the pan. The wafflez flew through the air and back down again, creating a luxorious sound that would make King Pearson jealous. He was friendly, so it turned out, and all members of our BNO group kissed him before he took to making wafflez for everybody. The Bno had officially began! Jeremiah, Jack, and Davy were standing by with their plates ready, and Mallace was manning the toppings station, of course.
Parax: Wafflez for all!
Jeremiah: Par can I have nults in mine?
Parax: Can you have what?
Jeremiah: I meant nuts. Sorry. Slip of the tongue.
Davy: Lovin these wafflez
Jeremiah: Yeah they smell good Par
Jack: What if God isn't real?
Parax: Glad you like them, guys. I feel bad about giving you a scare when you came in here. I'm glad wafflez have amended our troubles.
Jeremiah: Say, Par, why were you in here anyways? Not that we mind. We just didn't know someone was renting out our bno condo.
Parax: I needed a quiet place to clear my thoughts
Jeremiah: ah yes nothing like the North Korean urban site to get that done
Meanwhile, at the toppings station, Mallace noticed something very odd... the cranberries had turned a ghastly grey colour and there was a piece of paper sitting in the curry sauces.
Mallace: what in the name of Nancy Pelosi...
He reached into the curry sauce and plucked out the folded piece of paper. He read it aloud to himself
Mallace: "I can help you find your friend... if you can solve for me a very tricky riddle. Signed, I. S. Hamel"
Mallace looked into the Heavens for a brief minute, and there he saw Jesus. The plot thickens... So many questions! Could he finally be finding Benjamin? What could the riddle be? Who is I.S. Hamel? Would the BNO be ruined? Where in the world is Matt Lauer?
Just then Jeremiah approached the toppings station.
Jeremiah: Load me up with four pounds of sweet brown syrup and all the twizlers you can muster, good sir!
Mallace: Jeremiah...
Jeremiah: Andrew...
Mallace: I need to speak to you. In private. In the bathroom.
Jeremiah: k
Mallace: Allahu Ack-
Just then our two heroes went to the nearest small bathroom, which was painted green to fend off the Koreans, and locked the door. Jeremiah had the ingenious idea of pulling out a tape recorder and putting on whale sounds/moans to drown out the noise of their conversation, just incase any spies were on the loose.
Jeremiah: speak, my waffle is getting chilly
Mallace: We've been so caught up in Pyong'yang... It is a beautiful city, with the grandest architecture and the friendliest faces. Nowhere in the world would I rather be.
Jeremiah: This is true
Mallace: But we have forgotten something. Benjamin.
Jeremiah: O:
Mallace: Part of our mission, in addition to the BNO, is finding our brother!
Jeremiah: yes!!!!
Jeremiah sits on the toilet and begins to weep, he is comforted by Mallace and looks for the nearest bar of soap
Mallace: But all hope is not lost, look what I just found in the curry sauce!
Mallace hands the slip of paper to Garland. Garland reads it aloud.
Jeremiah: "Half off all discarded products... Grow hair like never before...! Communists and towelheads not welcome!" Mallace, this is genius! This can be our k-
Mallace: Wait, wrong paper. Here.
Mallace swaps out the slips of paper. Jeremiah reads it to himself.
Jeremiah: But where do we find I.S. Hamel?
Mallace: No idea. But, I have something else to show you......
Jeremiah: ?
Mallace: !
Jeremiah: JAVY
Scene VIII[]
The jeep came to a halting screech as Jack Jong-Pistol opened the trunk and forcefully removed David, Peter, and Benjamin, all still gagged and tied up. They had arrived in what appeared to be a Korean base, except everything was made out of blocks: the floor was smooth stone brick, the upper walls were cobble, and the inner walls were of the finest endstone. Korean soldiers gathered all around the vehicle, as Jong-Pistol escorted the three prisoners by gunpoint. He led them into a cramped, dark room. He locked the door, sat the three down, ungagged them, and turned on an interrogation light. There was four minutes of complete silence.
Jong-Pistol: They're calling for rain all next week.
David: I'm sorry
Jong-Pistol: yeah
Scene IX[]
Sven did up his bandana nice and tight. Boogie did the same. Sven put on the thick war paint which made him radiate in the Korean air. Boogie did the same. The chopper hissed as it crossed over the sea. Another helicopter proudly waving the Union Jack followed right behind it. A convoy! Sven the Sventastic vigilante shouted over the chopper's engine.
Sven: Boogie...! I'd like for you to meet my commanding officer! His name is Taylor!
Boogie: You have a friendly sailor?
Sven: No, Taylor!
Taylor: hi i have two assassin blades i am lieutenant commanding general of british korean expedition force we take out those bad boys we take em out good for the killer angel is with us and i am assassin so with the power of god on my side good king george can never fall will you stand with me sir?!
Sven: ...
Boogie: ...
Sven: Look over there. We're nearing the Korean base.
Boogie: You're smearing the Korean race?
Just then, the helicopter's pilot shouted from the cockpit.
Pilot: We've reached the base! Prepare the assault!
Sven cocked his gun, which was huge and way too futuristic for this wiki. Hell, Boogie had a lightsaber. Taylor stood by with his assassin blades ready.
Taylor: For crown and country men, for victory and Romney, we stand by gods great word as we leap into the past and take the bull of success by the horns which we once did pluck'th from our neighbours yard, we shall smite them for we are assassins and we are strong we are british british assassins we can do anything stand by me men!!!!!
Just then, Taylor anticipated too much and leaped from the helicopter before it had made a complete landing and accidently fell into the sea. He was never heard from again.
Sven: CHARGE 'EM BOYS
The entire British force then emerged from the copters and began firing on the Korean soldiers, who fired back fiercely. Sven led the assault, firing three pistols at once (with his mouth) all around him, knocking down Korean soldiers left and right. Boom! An explosion over there. Boom! An explosion over here. Do you get the picture? I hope you do. Korean snipers! No problem for Sven. Grenades knocked them all out. Sven climbed to the highest point of the base, praised the Heavens, and rained a shower of bullets down onto his enemies. Soon, the entire fort was covered in blood as Sven charged gloriously, mowing down Asian communists wherever he went. One soldier tried to shoot him, and Sven looked at him right before the soldier died. Sven blew off so many people's legs that day. The base was under Sven's the British army's control in a matter of seconds.
Sven: Well done lads!
Boogie: yes!
Jong-Pistol: Not so fast, Sven Daggersteel!
Sven: It's spelled Daggerteel! It's been a while since we last met, Jong-Pistol...
Jack Jong-Pistol emerged from the base with Peter, David, and Benjamin in tow as prisoners, each held at gunpoint. Jong-Pistol and Sven then began a long showdown.
Sven: This base is now property of the British Empire, Jong-Pistol! Stand down! In the name of King George!
Just then, Boogie, who was standing slightly behind Sven and looking utterly confused, noticed a tied up Benjamin next to Jong-Pistol. At once he was surprised. Benjamin!
Jong-Pistol looked around. He looked at his sweaty hands and at his sweaty watch. He looked at his sweaty guards and decided he would need to call his wife later because it was getting late.
Jong-Pistol: Fine... This base is your's, Sven Daggerteel... but don't get use to the success, y'hear? Every dog has their day.
Sven: Ah, but I am not a dog, you see, Mr. Jong-Pistol. I am a lion
Jong-Pistol: Ueghh! Very well, I now make my escape!
Sven: Not so fast! Hand over those prisoners...
Jong-Pistol handed over David, Peter, and Benjamin to Sven. The men all rejoiced and made merry as Jong-Pistol returned to the Pyong'yang palace and made love to several young women.
Benjamin: My deepest gratitude to you, Mr. Sven!
Sven: All part of the job, Benjamin.
Boogie: Mr. Macmorgan! At long last!
Benjamin: Ah yes... And who are you again?
Boogie: It's me, Boogie... We've been working in the field together for almost thirty years. I married your sister.
Benjamin: Right then. Has anybody seen a group of BNOers? My spidy senses tell me they're here, in Pyong'yang.
Sven: BNwhaters?
Benjamin: BNO!!!!!
Scene X[]
Mallace walked hesitantly into the shady back alley, constantly looking over his shoulder to make sure he had not been followed. If he had been followed, it would have scared him. It was very cold and dark and honestly Mallace didn't want to be there. He wanted to be in the crib with his wonderful husband and friends and BNO and waffles. But no... here he was, in the grimiest quarter of Pyongyang, exploring the darkest allies for his contact man. Suddenly, there he stood... he wore a trench coat and hat that shadowed his face.
Mallace: The green lima bean leaped in between the teen submarine and its magic weenie scene.
Cloaked man: ??? 당신은 민주주의입니다 ???
Mallace: what? that was the code that was written on the paper...
Just then, a SECOND cloaked man appeared in a nearby doorway.
Contact: Psst... Mr Mallace... over here. that's just a Korean
Mallace, having disappointed the poor cloaked Korean man, met up with his contact.
Mallace: Are you the one they call I S Hamel?
Contact: I'm sorry to say it, but Mr Hamel was actually killed on his way here, this very night...
Mallace: What?? No... did he die peacefully?
Contact: He did not. It was very bloody. Limbs I didn't even know existed were thrown from his body, the entire street was painted red. He will be sadly missed by a few people.
Mallace: this is terrible... he had ALL the answers to my problems
Contact: Do not fear, Mr Mallace! Mr Hamel gave me strict instructions for you. I am his associate, Lord Bishop Carmonius Lazarius Salazaar Mootley-Chalkham Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace IIV. But my friends call me Waglington.
Mallace: Waglington, a name fit for a prince.
Waglington: yes, it is nice, isn't it?
Mallace: It is not my favourite name I've ever heard, no, but it is pleasant...
Waglington: Tell me, Mr Mallace, do you still seek the white man known as Benjamin Macmorgan?
Mallace: I think so. Where can I find him?
Waglington: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! Not so fast Mr Mallace. Before I tell you where he is, first you must do something for me...
Mallace: no... anything but that... I couldn't bear the horror of having another innocent –
Waglington: No, not that Mr Mallace. I need you to do something else.
Mallace: ?
Waglington: Well, this is kinda embarrassing, but uh... Well... I'm very lonely.
Mallace: So you want me to help you find friends?
Waglington: No, Mr Mallace, I want you to be my friend. Just for a couple of years.
Mallace: I can do a few hours.
Waglington: Deal
Waglington and Mallace both blush
Scene XI[]
All was quiet in the crib... Jerry, missing his dear husband very much, walked out onto the balcony overlooking beautiful Pyongyang, where he weeped a little. Somewhere, out in that city, was a hungry child who needed him.
Just then, something caught his eye...
Jeremiah: It couldn't be... Parax, Davy, Friar Jack! Come quickly!
Parax, a bit embarrassed, poked his head out from the door, his black cloak covered in blood.
Parax: Um, Jerry. I might have killed Davy and Friar Jack.
Jeremiah: It's ok Parax, come look at this!
Parax stood beside Jerry, and looking in the streets below noticed what had caught Jerry's eye.
Parax: A parade!!!!
Jeremiah: It's beautiful!
Scene XII[]
Mallace and Wag's hour-long friendship was a beautiful one. After strolling the park, they ran through a field of daisies and ate all the Korean beef they could. At one point they even held hands.
Mallace: That was great wag!
Waglington: Haha. Yeah!
Mallace: Now, I believe we had a deal... My friendship in return for your information... Where can I find Benjamin?
Waglington: Right, well, um... This is quite embarrassing but –
Waglington was cut off by Mallace, who suddenly pulled out a large blaster rifle and, pushing Waglington against the wall, held the barrel to the temple of his head.
Mallace: WE. HAD. A. DEAL, WAG. TELL ME WHERE HE IS NOW, OR I WILL NOT HESITATE TO PULL THIS TRIGGER. I'LL DO IT. TELL ME!!!!! TELL MEEEE!!!!!! TE—
But now Mallace was cut off; he slowly backed away from Waglington, dropped his blaster rifle to the ground, and nervously placed his hands around his own throat. Wag had used the force and was choking Mallace!
Waglington: How dare you threaten me like that, you mere fool. You should know better than to talk in such an abrasive manner to a sith lord.
Mallace: (being choked) Sith... lord?
Waglington: Yess.... I am the great Darth Darth!
Mallace: Darth... Darth??
Waglington: That is right... and now, my young padawan, you shall pay for your insolence!
Waglington reached into his clock and pulled out a red lightsaber. Reaching it high, he prepared to strike Mallace whennn....
Pearson Wright emerged from the shadows!
Pearson: Lol,
Waglington: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Darth Waglington died of shock upon seeing the King of Spain himself.
Mallace: Pearson! Boy, I never thought I'd be so glad to see you! Thanks!
Pearson: Lol,
Mallace scurried off, leaving King Clemente alone in the shadows to "Lol" all he pleased.
