|The Good, The Bob, and The Ugly|
|Publication date||July 22, 2012|
|Published by||Full Moon Corp.|
Good Cop, Bad Cop, Bob Cop
Snap, Crackle, Bob!
- 1 Play Fans (If for some reason you find this amusing)
- 2 Slightly Less Vague Plot Summary
- 3 WARNING
- 4 Characters
- 5 Author's Thanks
- 6 Gallery
- 7 Act 1
- 8 Scene 1
- 9 Scene 2
- 10 Scene 3
- 11 Scene 4
- 12 Scene 5
- 13 Scene 6
- 14 Scene 7
- 15 Act 2
- 16 Scene 1
- 17 Scene 2
- 18 Scene 3
- 19 Scene 4
- 20 Scene 5
- 21 Act 3
- 22 Scene 1
- 23 Scene 2
- 24 Scene 3
- 25 Scene 4
- 26 Scene 5
- 27 Scene 6
- 28 Scene 7
- 29 Next Play
Play Fans (If for some reason you find this amusing)
- Bobby Moon - Well I wrote it, so yeah....
- Jeremiah Garland (aka Bull Frog, aka Garlic Bread)
- Caddius Bane
Slightly Less Vague Plot Summary
The Good, The Bob, and The Ugly is the sequel to the play, Good Cop, Bad Cop, Bob Cop, also written by Bobby Moon. In this new production, several of your favorite characters are back and ready for a new adventure! The EITC attack for the destruction of rebel piracy is still on! Can the pirates defend their camp and their freedom?
This play is a comedy! If you accept a role, expect to be made fun of for humorous purposes! If you are a reader, reading this play could cause any of the following:
- Uncontrollable laughter
- Laughing to death
- Awkward facial expressions
- Emotional scarring for the remainder of your life
Main Pirate Characters
- Good Cop- Basil Bridgebane
- Bad Cop- Bill Plunderbones
- Bob Cop- Bobby Moon
Main EITC Characters
- Jeremiah Garland
- Cad Bane
- Johnny Oldtimbers
- Johnny Coaleaston
- Delusional Squirrel Man- Benjy Macmorgan
- Scone-Stealing Whackjob- Edgar Wildrat
- Rebel Pirate- Johnny Sea-slasher
- Rat-Throwing Rebel- Hermit
- Rebel Pirate- Jack Pistol
- Mysterious Writer Guy- N.R.
- King of Salad- Caesar
- EITC Spy- Davy Hookwrecker
Bobby Moon would like to thank the cast and all of the fans that have supported this production.
One Month Later... (October 27, 1744)
(The setting is the same rebel camp of the previous play. Wooden chairs are set up in even rows, occupied by many rebel pirates wearing black. Bill Plunderbones and Basil Bridgebane are standing around a small, square hole in the ground. Basil is holding a black ostrich hat in his hand, about ready to place it into the hole. Bill is speaking to the crowd.)
Bill: Because we do not have the remains, we will bury her favorite hat in her honor. Moon, you will be missed...
(Everyone has a solemn expression. Bill walks over to the grave and Basil is about to place the hat inside when a voice is heard from behind some nearby trees.)
Bob: That was actually really touching, Billiam! Feel free to use it again when I'm actually dead!
(Bobby Moon emerges from behind the trees. There is a long, jagged scar across her right cheek and her left arm is in a sling. Moon looks toward the crowd.)
Bob: You didn't think I'd miss my own funeral, did you? Now all you people disperse! Nothing to see here!
(Moon walks toward the grave.)
Bob: (To Basil) And give me my hat! Why the brig were you going to put it in that mud pit!?
(Moon grabs the hat out of Basil's hand and places it on her head. She smacks Basil on the back of his head with her good arm. Everyone is frozen in place, looking dumbstruck.)
Bill: (Stuttering) But you were..... But you were... You were dead!
Bob: ALMOST dead, Billiam. Almost being the keyword. Now you're probably all confused, so I'll explain back in the meeting tent.
(All of the pirates are still sitting in their seats, extremely confused.)
Bob: You heard what I said! Disperse!
(Everyone is too nervous to argue with the crazy ghost chick and quickly all go their seperate ways. Moon turns to Basil.)
Bob: By the way, I got you a present!
(Moon hands Basil a bag of scones.)
Basil: SCONES 0_0
(Basil immediately looks around for the Scone-Stealing Whackjob, who he does not see.)
Basil: (Thinking to himself) Just to be safe, I'll wait until we get inside...
(The three "cops" begin making their way to the meeting tent.)
- Note- This scene was written with the author's 1,000th edit!
(The cops arrive at the meeting tent and all sit down. Moon puts her feet up on the table and grabs a piece of chicken from it.)
Bob: (With mouth full of chicken) I haven't had any real food in weeks!
Basil: (Quietly) Where have you been?
Bob: Well after being SHOT, I woke up in some gypsy's house. Apparently I was on the verge of death or something between the bullet and the broken arm, and she was good with healing. I tried to leave after the first week, but she refused; Almost as stubborn as me, I guess. She didn't want me leaving until I was "up to it," so I stayed for a while.
Bill: So everyone else in the world has thought you were dead for the past month except her?
(While Moon is talking, Basil opens the bag of scones and is about to eat one, when a looming shadow appears over him. Basil is tapped on the shoulder by a large hand. He turns around to see the Scone-Stealing Whackjob.)
(The SSWJ shakes his spear in the air and grabs the bag of scones. The SSWJ runs out of the tent and Basil does not pursue him.)
Bob: (Laughing) I missed the weirdness of this place!
Bill: This weirdness is still at stake, Bob. The EITC attack could still be on, and it's only four days away...
Basil: After that little party at their fortress, I'd say that it's DEFINITELY still on. At least now we have a secret weapon.
Bill: (Pointing at Moon) Her?
Basil: No, the new doomsday device I've been working on! >:D
Bill: (Concerned) WHAT doomsday device? 0_0
Basil: There isn't one, I just didn't want to be so cliché!
(Bob and Bill look at each other like "OMG Basil's losing his mind.")
Bob: Well, we better start planning our defense. We're running out of time.
- Note- This scene was written with the author's 1,000th edit!
(Four EITC lords are sitting around a large banquet table, all eating a fine meal and drinking expensive wine.)
Bane: Well done, Lord Garland! Another rebel falls to the mighty EITC!
Coaleaston: Indeed! (Holding up his cup) To Jeremiah!
All Lords: To Jeremiah!
(All of the lords 'clink' their cups, and continue eating and drinking.)
Garland: Many thanks, gentlemen! I am so honored!
Oldimbers: And after this loss, the pirate scum will never be prepared for my master attack!
(Oldtimbers begins laughing and pours himself some more wine.)
Oldtimbers: Even now, our forces are preparing for the attack!
(The lords walk to the large window overlooking the front gates. About two-hundred soldiers are marching through the gates and toward the temporary camp set up on the lawn. There are so many men, the sound of their synchronized marching can be heard from inside the building.)
Bane: There is no way this plan could possibly fail!
Garland: So true!
(The lords all laugh, and 'clink' their cups once more.)
(Moon is in the field behind the rows of tents with her broadsword, slashing at multiple practice dummies. She looks odd because her other arm is still in a sling. Bill and Basil approach from behind.)
Basil: Whatcha up to?
Bob: (Still slashing at the dummies) Training. I'm too out of practice.
(Bill and Basil glance at each other.)
Bill: Basil has planned some training programs for the whole camp, in preparation for the attack.
Bob: I'll add that on to what I've planned for myself.
Basil: Moon, you don't have to. You've had a tough couple of weeks, you should take it easy.
Bob: (While cutting the head off of a dummy) Not a chance, it's against my philosophy.
Bill: Just don't do anything stupid, Bob.
Bob: Such as what? Sneaking into an enemy compound, pretending to be a Lady of Wales, and getting shot? Now when have I ever done something like that?
Bill: You know what I mean! Don't make us take all of your weapons!
Bob: (Laughing) Yeah, like you could find them all! But I'll ATTEMPT to be careful, sure thing Billiam.
(Bill's eye twitches at his nickname and he trudges away. Basil follows him. Moon goes back to slaughtering the dummies.)
(Bill and Basil enter Bill's tent. Bill's knife is still stuck in the support beam from the last play.)
Basil: You know we can't let her fight. She's beat up as it is...
Bill: I know, and I have a plan..
Basil: Does it involve scones or a doomsday device?
Bill: No! And stop adding extra lines, it's destroying the suspenseful scene-ending that I just created!
Basil: Sorry, Billiam!
(Bill then proceeds to chase Basil around the camp with a frying pan, receiving strange looks from bystanders.)
October 28, 1774
(Lord Garland is standing on a balcony at the EITC base overlooking the troops in the afternoon. Lord Bane is sitting in the office behind him, pouring a cup of tea.)
Garland: You know, they never found a body...
Bane: Jeremiah! You are just being paranoid! It is done!
Garland: I know, but I just have a funny feeling that she's still out there.
(Suddenly, Bobby Moon appears next to Garland. She is translucent and ghost-like. Bane is distantly talking, but specific words can not be picked out.)
Ghost Bob: You failed, you know.
Garland: Are you a ghost?
Ghost Bob: Or a product of your imagination.
Garland: Are you dead?
Ghost Bob: Am I?
(Then, Bane walks through translucent Bob and she turns to smoke, disappearing in seconds.)
Bane: Jeremiah, are you alright? Ghost, dead, what are you talking about?
Garland: Nothing, nothing. Just thinking aloud...
(Garland glances out at the troops again.)
Garland: I must speak to Lord Goldtimbers...
(Garland leaves the room, walking down the hall to Oldtimber's office. When he knocks, there is no answer. He quietly opens the door and Oldtimbers is asleep on the couch.)
Garland: (Quietly) Lord Goldtimbers. (Louder) Lord Goldtimbers. (Even louder) Lord Goldtimbers?
(A voice is heard behind Garland and he jumps.)
Benjy: He sleeps like a rock doesn't he?!
(Benjy laughs psychotically and cracks a walnut with a nutcracker.)
Garland: BENJAMIN! How did you escape the asylum!? AGAIN?!
Benjy: (Ignoring the question) I know what you're going to ask him.
Garland: How could you possibly think so? I haven't told anyone.
Benjy: (Laughing) I know everything about everyone here, my friend.
(Benjy throws a walnut that hits Garland square in the forehead.)
Benjy: And I'm going to help you out, because I am feeling generous today... Plus the fact that helping you with your issues might keep me out of the asylum!
(Benjy starts laughing again.)
Garland: What could you possibly do for me?
Benjy: Well, I happen to have a friend who can get you some additional troops, so when you ask Oldtimbers here to move the attack up a few days... You'll have an extra something to convince him with..
Garland: How did you know...?
(Benjy hands Garland a folded piece of parchment. He hears a commotion from down the hallway.)
Benjy: That's my cue...
(Benjy opens a far window and slides down an adjacent tree. Then, the office door bursts open.)
Guard 1: Have you seen Benjamin MacMorgan, sir?! He has escaped!
Garland: (In false shock) No, haven't seen him.
(After the guard leaves, Garland glances down at the parchment.)
Garland: (Reading) Emperor Caesar: Oak tree north of the clock tower.
(It is nighttime. A figure in a dark cloak walks through the gate to the EITC compound, toward the village it occupies. His shoes crunch on the gravel. He turns around to see if there is anyone behind him, and we see that it is Jeremiah Garland. He approaches the downtown area and we see torchlight. Garland walks across the cobblestone square and under the clock tower to a large oak tree. He leans against it in wait, when a hand come quickly around the trunk, covering his mouth.)
Caesar: Who are you? Who told you about this place?
(Caesar lets Garland go so that he can speak.)
Garland: (Quietly) I am Lord Jeremiah Garland of the Noble East India Trading Company. I was told about you by Benjamin MacMorgan. He is a.... a... friend of mine.
Caesar: (Quietly) Ah, Benjamin. He visits me from time to time, when he can escape of course.
(Caesar comes into full view and we can see that he is about 4' 5 tall and has a very tattered white wig.)
Garland: YOU are EMPEROR Caesar?
Caesar: You dare mock me!? What do you require anyhow, before I destroy you?
(Caesar twirls his dagger between his fingers.)
Garland: Err, right. Sorry.... sir.... I need some extra troops and a few spies to infultrate an enemy pirate camp.
Caesar: And why would the EITC come to me for assistance? You don't have enough manpower of your own? Or is this just a set up?
Garland: No, not a setup, I just need to make sure these enemies are destroyed, and am trying to convince my commanding officer to move up the attack.
Caesar: And why to you require my spies?
Garland: A particular enemy... I'm not sure if they are dead.. And I must know..
Caesar: Ah.. ON the day of the attack, I shall bring my entire army. About the spying, if I have any information, I shall contact you.
Garland: Thank you...
(Garland turns, but Caesar is already gone.)
October 29, 1774
(It is early morning in the rebel camp. Bill has just woken up, thinking he will raid the food-store shed before everyone else gets up. He jumps when he sees Bob, struggling with a black bow and numerous silver arrows.)
Bill: What in the brig are you doing?
(Bob glances up.)
Bob: What does it look like? Trying to teach myself to shoot with one hand.
(Bob awkwardly notches one arrow into place with one hand.)
Bob: And I thought the hard part was going to be shooting it!
(Bob picks up the bow and holds it in place with her knee and chin.)
Bob: FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!!
(Bob launches an arrow just as Basil is rounding the corner, and it becomes stuck in the brim of his hat. Basil falls over out of fright.)
Basil: Watch it, Killer!
Bill: You almost just annialated Basil!
(Bob runs over to Basil.)
Bob: I guess I'll have to work on my one-handed aim.
(Bob retrieves the arrow from Basil's hat, which has now left a fairly large hole.)
Basil: Bob, this is nuts! You can't shoot arrows with one hand! If I had been any slower walking...
Bob: But you weren't, so it's all good, Scone Face!
Bill: Bob, Basil is right. Maybe you should just watch today's archery practice.
(Bob gives Bill the Glare of Death as he confiscates her bow. Slowly, the other archers arrive, including Jack Pistol and The Hermit, and Bob sits angrily off to the side. The practice continues, and the rebels shoot pieces of fruit tied in the center of hay bails. Bob sees Bill shoot a pear in the dead center before she hatefully leaves.)
(Jeremiah Garland is sitting in his office at nine o' clock. He is writing a letter to a business associate with his quill pen. Suddenly a shadow appears over the paper. Jeremiah freezes in place until he hears a familiar voice.)
Caesar: Do not be alarmed! It is I.
Jeremiah: Ah, Emperor, do you have the troops prepared?
Caesar: All of my men are ready to go.
Jeremiah: Excellent. And what of the rebel I spoke to you about?
Caesar: (Realizing he has forgotten about the spying) Oh yes... My sources confirm that the rebel you speak of is dead. VERY dead in fact.
Jeremiah: Delightful. Be sure that your men are ready by sunset tomorrow. We begin our march then and at nightfall, we shall destroy the pirates once and for all.
Caesar: Very well.
(This setting fades. We are now back in the rebel camp. Bobby Moon is walking to her tent in the dark. When she approaches it, she sees a shadow; Someone is inside. Moon draws her sword and barges into the tent. No one is there.)
Bob: (To herself) It's late, I am seeing things.
(She glances to her desk and sees a ripped piece of parchment. On the parchment, there is a short note. The words were apparently written with her own quill because there is ink dripping from the last letter, and a trail of ink to her ink well. She reads it.)
The invasion will begin tomorrow evening.
(Moon tries to think of someone with those initials, but no one comes to mind.)
Bob: (To herself) Time for an emergency war meeting.
(Moon leaves her tent, bringing N.R.'s note, to get the others.)
(Bob rushes into Bill's tent, where he is asleep, drooling on his pillow and cluching his blank... hankerchief.)
Bob: Billiam! Get up! We need a war meeting now!
(Bob hits Bill with a nearby book.)
Bob: You can bring the blankie!
Bill: (Suddenly awake) IT'S A HANKERCHIEF!!!! IT IS CLEARLY A HANKERCHIEF! ALL YOU BLOODY PEOPLE..
Bob: Good, you're up, let's go get Basil!
(Bill folds his blan.. hankerchief before leaving the tent. Bob and Bill walk to Basil's tent, which is next door. Basil is curled up in the corner, with wide eyes, eating scones.)
Bill: I think he's sleep-scone-eating again...
(Bob picks up a stray scone to throw at Basil.)
Bill: Wait! Just wait....
(All of a sudden, the Scone-Stealing Whackjob busts into the tent with his spear.)
(The SSWJ tackles Basil, gathering all of the scones and putting them in his bag. Then, with another battle cry, he exits. Basil reaches for another scone, but there are none there... He suddently jumps awake.)
Basil: WHERE ARE MY SCONES?!?!?!?
Bob: Do you have to ask? Now get up! War meeting! Now!
Bill: I'll go alert everyone else.
(Shortly after, a loud horn is heard, announcing the meeting.)
(All of the rebels are now gathered in the meeting tent. The Hermit has his hair in hair curlers, and Jack Pistol is in feety pajamas.)
Jack: (Groggily) Moon, what are we doing here? It's the middle of the night!
Bob: I've disturbed all of your beauty sleep because of this.
(Moon slaps the message from NR, still dripping with ink, on the table.)
Bob: According to this "NR," the EITC attack we know is coming will be coming earlier than expected.
Basil: Well who is NR? How do we know we can trust him?
Bob: We don't... But I say we have to act as if it's true and prepare for war!
Bill: But what if this guy is trying to tire us out before the fight, and get us ready before we need to be?
Bob: (Punching the table with her good arm) That's a risk we have to take! The EITC noobs are probably already on their way!
Basil: All in favor of preparing early?
Bill: Then everyone to the weapons shed, prepare Defense Strategy Alpha!
(Everyone stares at Bill like 'What the brig is Defense Strategy Alpha?')
Bill: You know the one where we set up the snipers and block off the gates...
Bob: Can we line the gates with explosives?
Bob: I think this is a solid plan.
(All the rebels disperse.)
6 Hours Later, October 30, 1744
(The EITC lords are standing in a row, overseeing the troops preparing for battle.)
Oldtimbers: So Garland, the additional troops will meet as at the point of attack?
Garland: Yes sir, they'll attack the south of the camp, while we strike the north gates.
Bane: It's amazing that you gained these mercenaries for our cause Jeremiah. With this extra support, there is no way we can fail! What could possibly go wrong?
(The lords look at Bane uneasily.)
Oldtimbers: Now if you gentlemen will excuse me, I am going to take a pre-invasion nap.
Coaleaston: Sweet dreams, sir.
(Oldtimbers exits and the other lords give Coaleaston a weird look. Garland also leaves the group and enters his war tent. He sits in his chair and begins looking over paperwork.)
Benjy: Hey old buddy!
(Garland looks around and a bucket of walnuts suddenly falls on him.)
Garland: Benjamin, I don't have time for your antics!
Benjy: Ohh, someone is a little snippy before his big battle.
Garland: I'm under a little stress! If this goes badly... And I'm not snippy!
Benjy: Oh you're snippy!
Garland: I'M NOT SNIPPY!!
(Benjy and Garland then have a brief slap-fight.)
Garland: Benjy, this Caesar will pull through, won't he?
Benjy: Of course! He's the best in the business! Relax!
Garland: Alright... I better go prepare the troops.
(Garland exits the tent.)
Benjy:(To himself) He never asked which business!
(Benjy laughs psychotically while cracking a walnut with a mallet.)
(It is now about ten minutes away from the first attacks. Bob is in a war tent reviewing the defense plan and looking over stolen EITC files. She is wearing head to toe black with her famous ostrich hat on her head. Her weapons belt is lying on a table next to her. Then, Basil and Bill enter.)
Basil: Sooo, what are ya up to?
Bob:(Barely looking up) Just making sure everything is set.
(The other cops walk behind the table and stand next to Bob on either side.)
Bill: We're really sorry about this...
Basil: But it's for your own good...
Bob:(Just looking up) Wha...
(Basil and Bill grab Bob under each arm and start pulling her out of the tent.)
Bob: WHAT IN THE NAME OF HOLY BRIG ARE YOU DOING?!
Basil: We're not going to let you fight, you're hurt enough as it is, Bob!
Bill: You'll get yourself killed!
Bob: You're the ones gonna get killed if you don't put me the brig down!
(Bob kicks them both viciously, but to no avail. She continues to scream profanities at the other cops as they approach the cell block.)
Bob: Oh, so this is your master plan? Locking me in the brigging prison?!
(The three enter a cell, and the Good and Bad cops tie Bob to a chair with rope. While he is tying her ankle to he leg of the chair, Bob kicks upward and hits Bill in the nose. There is a loud crack.)
Bill: I think she broke my nose! 0_0
Bob: Serves you right!
(Bill and Basil leave the cell, locking the door behind them. Bill is holding his hand to his nose, trying to stop its bleeding.)
Bob: You noobs!!
(Basil and Bill leave the cell block.)
Basil: After this is over, she's gonna kill us...
(Just then, the horns sound to signal the arrival of the EITC army.)
(The EITC lords are riding their majestic steeds on the path to the rebel camp... All except Garland, who is riding a small, white pony that has pink ribbons tied into its mane.)
Garland: Lord Goldtimbers, I still don't see why I can't ride a normal horse like you guys.
Oldtimbers: Silence, Jeremiah! Princess Buttercup is the most loyal of steeds!
Garland: The pony's name is Princess Buttercup?! Now I just feel like an idiot..
Bane: Don't feel bad, Garland, that's a great name!
Garland: Why? What's your horse's name?
Garland: Now that's manly! Why couldn't I have gotten something like that?!
(There is a pause.)
Coaleaston: Garland, has anyone ever told you that you can be a bit snippy?
(Garland is about to erupt in rage.)
Oldtimbers: Oh look, we're here!
(We can see the camp's gates. Bane and Oldtimbers begin shouting commands to the troops.)
Coaleaston: Forward march!
Soldier: So sirs, you will be following us into battle, correct?
Oldtimbers: As long as it's going well, good sir. If you're getting slaughtered, we're going to make a run for it!
Soldier:(Grinning like a brainwashed robot) Of course, sir!
(Yells from both sides are heard and the battle begins.)
(The EITC soldiers begin trying to break through the gates. The rebels are in a line inside the camp waiting for them.)
Bill: Wait for it... wait for it...
(The soldiers break through the gate and almost immediately, rebels drop vats of mysterious liquid down on them. The soldiers that were hit with the liquid become stuck to the ground where they stand. The EITC lords are watching the fight from a distance and shouting orders, though Oldtimbers appears to be asleep on his horse.)
Basil and Bill: ATTACK!!!
(The rebels charge and the fight begins. Rebels fire arrows from the top of the wall and from trees. Though they are outnumbered by about 200 men, the rebels seem to be doing surprisingly well.)
(Hermit begins throwing explosive rats at the enemy, knocking many to the ground. Many EITC soldiers and rebel extras are still where they lie on the ground. Bill begins fighting an EITC officer who is an exceptional swordsman. Every attack that Bill tries to land is parried by the officer's blade. Suddenly, a loud shot is heard from behind the officer and he crumples to the ground. Basil is standing there, blowing the smoke from the barrel of his pistol.)
Bill: Thanks for that.
Basil: No problem.
(Focus returns to the EITC officers who are approaching the camp's walls on their horses and Garland's pony.)
Coaleaston: Jeremiah, I thought you said that the mercenary army was supposed to meet us here!
Jeremiah: (Becoming nervous) Yes, they should be at the south gates by now... Maybe they got caught in traffic?
Bane: Well, they ha better arrive soon, or Lord Goldtimbers will not be happy...
(Bane glances over at the sleeping Oldtimbers.)
Bane: Well, he won't be happy when he wakes up from his nap...
(Jeremiah begins to worry that Emperor Caesar will let him down.)
(Jeremiah decides to go check the south gates for Emperor Caesar's army.)
Garland: I'll return soon. I'm just going to check on our allies.
(Garland heads off on his noble steed, Princess Buttercup. When Garland arrives at the south gates, five wooden carts are pulling up. They are all being pulled by ancient looking mules. Emperor Caesar is sitting in the leading cart.)
Garland: Oh God...
Caesar: Bonjour, Señor! We have arrived!
(All of Caesar's warriors pull out tiny slingshots and baby carrots. Caesar arms himself with his dagger and tucks a lettuce leaf in his hat.)
Caesar: We are ready for battle, Monsieur!
(Garland glances at the side of the first cart which reads, Emperor Caesar's Salad Palace.)
Garland: What is the meaning of this?! You come here, armed with vegetables?! I'm going to be the laughing-stock of the entire EITC! Benjamin said you were the best in the business!
Caesar: Oui, Señor! The best in the salad business! Benjamin comes around The Palace all the time for my famous Caesar salad!
Garland: What is so funny?!
Caesar: It's funny, because my name is Caesar, and that's a kind of salad!
Garland: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! YOU'RE GOING TO GET ALL OF MY TROOPS KILLED! THEY'RE GOING TO FIRE ME! AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU IMBECILE!!
Caesar: No need to be snippy, Bwana.
(Garland is about to lose it.)
Garland: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT LANGUAGE THAT WAS!
Caesar: Swahili I believe...
Garland: UGH! Just send your men into battle! (Quietly) At least they may be a distraction...
(Caesar commands his men to charge and Garland begins to ride back to the other lords.)
(The scene switches back to the prison where Bob is being held. She is struggling to release her hands and feet. Suddenly, she hears a voice coming from the shadows of an adjacent cell.)
Davy: You look like you could use some help.
(Moon jumps as Davy emerges from the darkness. His hair is sticking up in different places and his clothes are dirty and tattered.)
Bob: You! You're the EITC spy! I didn't know you were still in the camp.
Davy: (Scornfully) Yes, I was never released from this skunk-hole.
Bob: Well I don't see any skunks...
Davy: IT'S AN EXPRESSION! Now do you want my help or not?!
Bob: Yes, yes! But how do you plan to get me out of here? You're locked in that cell!
Davy: Ah, yes, but I have this!
(Davy holds up a small file.)
Davy: You could use this file to cut the ropes restraining you. Then, I'm sure, you could get yourself out from behind your bars.
Bob: What's the catch? You wouldn't help me if there wasn't any personal gain.
Davy: Ah, yes, I had almost forgotten. Once you release yourself, you can pick the lock on my cell and set me free.
Bob: And why would I help you?
Davy: Because you know that if the EITC wins this battle, they'll kill the both of us where we stand.
Bob: That's a valid point... I accept your offer.
(Davy passes the file into Moon's cell and she grabs it with her teeth. She drops it from her mouth into her palm and frees her right hand, then her left. Her left arm is still sore, but she continues and frees her feet as well.)
Davy: Now spring yourself and then me!
(Moon grabs the chair that she was tied to and rams the door with it. Thr door flies off its hinges and lands on the ground.)
Davy: (In shock) Well that's one way to do it... Now pick my cell lock!
Bob: (Turning back while walking out the door) No can do. I would never actually free a spy and prisoner!
Davy: CURSE YOU!! I TRUSTED YOU!
Bob: (Putting on her famous hat) That was your first mistake.
(Moon exits the prison and heads to her tent for her weapons.)
(Bob rushes out of the building and sprints across the battlefield. Night has fallen. There are scuffles occurring everywhere as well as bodies scattered along the ground. When she arrives, she grabs her weapons belt, bow, quiver, and broadsword. Taking the inkwell from her desk, she also gives herself war paint.)
Bob:(To herself) Let's do this...
(Running outside, she grabs her bow first and notches an arrow on the string. She seeks out her target and drops an EITC soldier across the camp that is trying to kill Basil.)
Basil: (To Bill) No one has that good of long range aim except...
Basil & Bill: Bob!
(Bob approaches the pair.)
Bob: You two miss me?
(More enemies approach and the three cops pull out their swords. They continue talking while fighting their enemies.)
Bob: You actually thought you could keep me from fighting? You imbeciles!
Bill: We know. -__-
Basil: We were wrong -_-
Bob: (Chuckling) Brig straight!
(The cops all defeat their enemies at the same time and run to help other rebels. All of the other pirates are struggling with multiple attackers... Except Hermit who is doing pretty successfully with his exploding rats. xD The combined strength of the rebels manages to clear the area of EITC soldiers. They have a moment to rest before another squad begins to march in.)
Basil: We can't keep fighting them like this. We're going to tire out and get slaughtered.
Bill: Then let's not fight the soldiers!
(Bob and Basil look at Bill like he's lost it.)
Bill: No no, I mean, let's strike the tree at its roots!
Bob: Ah, so take out the lords and not their lackeys! :P
Basil: Alright cops, let's put it into motion!
(The cops begin to climb three trees that just happen to be next to the wall.)
Basil: I see them! They're all on horses behind the army! And is that a pony??
Bill: You can take him out if you like...
Bob: No, I'll just scare him a bit... Take out his friends first...
(Bob notches her bow again with two arrows. She closes one eye to aim and releases. The arrows fly... One strikes Lord Bane in the arm, and the other impales itself in Lord Coaleaston's chest.)
Garland: What in the...
(Both lords collapse and Garland looks around to see where the shots came from. His eyes eventually land on the trees and he makes eye contact with Moon.)
(Moon is just about to reload when soldiers approach the base of Bill's tree with a saw. Where'd they get it? I don't know, I'm just the narration! Anyway... they begin cutting through the wood and Bill is in danger of falling out of the tree.)
(Bob is in the next tree over.)
Bill: I can't jump! It's to far, I'll never make it!
(The tree begins to tip...)
Bob: Just jump you idiot!!!
(Bill leaps to Bob's tree and she catches his hand with her left. The pressure kills her newly healed arm, but she manages to swing him onto a branch. The three cops shimmy down the trunks of their trees and begin to run, only after Basil unleashed his dagger rain upon the saw soldiers!)
Bill: There are too many, we need to retreat.
Bob: We can retreat out the south gates, all the EITC are attacking from the north... But the soldiers won't just let us go... We need a distraction!
(Basil's eyes light up.)
Basil: How about a doomsday device??
(Basil quietly explains his plan so that the audience can't hear.)
Bob: That could actually work...
(The cops run in different directions. Bob and Bill go to round up the rebels for retreat and Basil darts off to ready his device.)
Bob: Run to the south!!! Retreat!!
(When all of the rebels are safely out of range, we see Basil holding a large red button. He presses it..... AND... Nothing...)
Bill: Basil!! I thought you said this was going to work!!
(In the midst of Bill's yelling, a giant explosion erupts, destroying about half of the remaining EITC army. The force also knocks Bill over.)
(Bill gets up, and he and Basil join Bob and the rest of the rebels.)
Bill: Now we're pretty much in the clear!
(Just as the south gates come into view, we see the large army of Emperor Caesar.)
Bob: Well we didn't plan for this...
Basil: Are they holding vegetables? 0_0
Bill: Either way, they're not going to let us pass without a fight... And we don't want to risk losing anymore rebels...
Bob: But now that they've seen us, they won't just let us go...
(Hermit and Jack Pistol emerge from the crowd.)
Pistol: Yes they will! Hermit and I will hold them off while you find another escape route.
Hermit: Yes, I have plenty of exploding rats left!
Basil: Alright... Good luck, mates!
(Basil turns to the other cops.)
Basil: Guys, I think I know another way out...
(The rebels run to the west side of the camp and wait in anticipation to hear Basil's plan, but he only pulls a scone from his pocket.)
Bill: A scone?! You're kidding, right?!
Basil: Wait for it...
(Out of no where, the SSWJ appears with his spear and war paint.)
Basil: Oh mighty scone-stealing whackjob! I shall give you this scone, but I call on your help! We need your help to escape. We ask as your humble servants...
(Basil drops to his knees and the other rebels quickly do the same. The SSWJ takes the scone from Basil's hand and hold out his finger. Basil holds out his finger and their fingertips touch.)
SSWJ: SSWJ, friend...
(The other rebels just stare like "what the brig is happening?!" Then, the SSWJ runs away.)
Bill: Great, you have a new friend, but he's gone now and we're still stuck!
Basil: He agreed to help... Wait for it...
(The SSWJ returns with multiple three-seated bicycles. One has a basket attached to the handlebars.)
Basil: Guys, get on!
(Hesitantly, the other two cops get on the first bike with Basil. The other rebels get on the rest of the bicycles. The SSWJ sits in the basket and puts a blanket over his head.)
Basil: Let's go!!
(The pirates begin to pedal and the bikes begin flying! The entire fleet shoots across the sky and crosses in front of the moon.)
Bob: I think it's safe to say, this is the weirdest of our adventures yet...
(The enemies down below just stare at the fleet of flying bikes as the rebels escape.)
If you enjoyed this play, be sure to check out the next one that isn't done yet... Oh... Awkward... xD Snap, Crackle, Bob!